So there's got to be a day where I wake up and say that "this is the day, this is the day that I will change my situation, this is the day that I won't want for him, miss him, and still after everthing love him, this is the day that I won't at some point wonder about the what if's, this is the day that I suck it up and move on, and for sure this is the day that I stop thinking about loosing weight and actually get off my fat ass and do it." So there's got to be a day that those things actually happen and and my life changes. I keep hoping that someone will event a time machine, and I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that I think that someone actually will, or if someone actually does that I'd be able to use it, or that if it did happen I'd actually be able to pin point a date in the past where I could travel back to and start it all over again. I could no sooner pick a favorite candybar then pick one mistake to want changed. But then I remember that in Back to the Future, Doc always warned Marty that one tiny change could set off a chain reaction and everything in the future would be different. So I could make just one better choice and who knows what would happen. I could be married, have kids, have an amazing career, be in a state of complete bliss. But instead I'm single, probably can't have kids cause I waited too damn long, have an ok job, but not exactly the career choice I would have made had I known, and bliss?? what is that? There is this unexplainable emptyness that overcomes me on a daily basis. I know that the reason I have this life is because of the piss-poor decisions I've made over the years, but then I think bull...there are a ton a people who have made far more crappier or stupid decisions than me and they're happy, so where is my happy? Where is the guy that is suppose to forgive my flaws and actually love me for them? Where is the guy that will look at me and not through me because I was too "nice" to be the "one".

You wait for the pain to go away. You wake up every morning with the hope that today...today will be the day that I don't want for him. The day that I don't ache to be with him again. The day that he's not the first thing on my mind and the last thought I have and some thousand thoughts in between. But everyday is the same. You keep telling yourself that it will get better, it has to right?? There is no way that it can get worse. But it does, there seems to be no bottom. Broken isn't even a word to describe you anymore. It's so far beyond ridiculous that to everyone around you that didn't know you just seem pathetic. And to those few who did, you just seem pathetic. What is wrong with me that I still love him, what is wrong with me that I still want to be with him. I would give anything to just to hold him one more time. To be able to kiss him one last time, because you never think the last one will be your last one. If I'd have known that, if I would have ever thought that the day he left my house would have been the last time I got to be with him...I would have never let him leave.
I've tried to hate him, I have. Everything that I've learned about him since he left would make any normal person loath him. But everything I knew about him before, that is what still haunts me. That's what I remember, there is no bad that can take the place of how he made me feel. How when he looked at me everything else just went away. I still feel him brush the hair from my eye, I still feel his arms around me and his lips next to my ear. "Do you love me?" I'd ask and his response was always the same. "You know I do"
I didn't dream it, I didn't make it up, it was real.

This is my punishment, for things that I've done, the person that I've been. I am responsible for my mistakes, my actions that led me to this place. This pain, this emptiness, the missing part of my soul...it's what I've earned. It's what I deserve, but how long to I have to hurt? Is there any end to torture that has become my life?

To be honest, there were a few of those that I didn't think that I'd survive the heartbreak. I truly thought that I would never recover from them and that I would be hard, and completely against any type of "love" again. But I'd pick myself up and wipe off the hurt and get back on the horse so to speak. That was until I realized that I'd relied on the next guy to pick me up, the hurt never comes off completely and I was beating a dead horse. I jumped from relationship to relationship expecting them to make it better for me. Thinking that if I just found "the one" that everything would just fall into place. Well what if one of them was "the one" and I was too broken to see it. Now what? Is there more than just one person for everyone and if there is am I going to be their "one"?? I keep telling myself that I have to make me better before I can expect someone to stay around for the finale. It's true, no one can "make" you happy you do have to do that for your self, but tell me how you get to be happy when you can't even breath without him. I know who my "one true thing" is. I had him, for a while anyway, but like all the others he left, cause that's what they do, they leave and they make you think that for a while it's for your benefit, that they are the ones who are screwed up and not worthy of what you bring to the table. But that's just a load of crap. They leave because they are too damn scared to live. They have settled for what they believe is their life and regardless of what you give to them, it's not enough to rock the boat and see if it could get any better. He was my best friend, he was the love of my life, my soul mate, the one person I truly, honestly and completely loved with everything I had and he left anyway. He left because he "wasn't ready" or "he had no choice" that his life was just complicated. I swear I heard that so many times that if someone used the word complicated in a sentence non-relating I'd still vomit in my mouth. "It's complicated" well no shit Sherlock. If it weren't than it wouldn't be life. Right?? Nothing comes easy, there is never a quick fix to any thing, life is hard and sometimes it sucks and sometimes you have to hurt the people you care about, but I don't think that means you should settle for the present because you are scared of the future. Take a damn chance, believe that no matter what the situation is, that it can be better and those involved will maybe be wounded for a while, but wounds heal. Life is too damn short to settle. I try to convince my family of that, and that it very well may be the reason that I'm still single and have really no desire to date random guys in the hopes that one will stand out. I know who I love, I know who I want to be with forever. I use to think that I would rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right. But I would rather be right. I would rather be alone than try and convince myself that there is someone else out there for me. I know I can't be with him, I know that he's moved on and that for what he believes are good reasons he won't change his situation. Is is wrong of me to want him too? Of course. But it was wrong of me love him in the first place. I tried to fight it in the beginning. I knew it would end bad. I knew that no matter how I felt or even how he felt about me, he couldn't be with me the way I wanted, but I did it anyway. I fell 100% in love with him.



And now.....well now I'm just trying to remind myself to live. To wake up every morning, breath in and out, and live. I keep thinking that there is no way that I can keep living without him, I keep trying to convince myself that it's been long enough, that he was never really "mine" to start with and that I have to just get on with it and get over it. So why is it that the thought of being with anyone but him literaly makes my chest hurt and I know that nothing will ever be right without him. I see his face everywhere, I see those blue eyes, those eyes that could level me without even trying. I hear his voice; sometimes singing some stupid song usually making fun of something I just said or my taste in music and I know it's crazy but I swear I still smell him on my pillow. I wash it, I've washed it a million times since he last laid on it, but my mind....well my mind tells me it's his smell. I just wait for the day that he comes to my door, tells me how dumb he was and how silly it's been that we've been apart. He takes me in his arms, tells me there is no one else out there for him and that he loves me. He doesn't care how long it takes for me to forgive his leaving, he will wait, and he will make it up to me everyday that I will allow him to. He keeps me in his arms and never again lets me go. I can't believe how easily I forgive him, I mean he left, he moved on like I meant nothing, he left me shattered and in the type of pain that no amount of medication, or crying, or drinking will numb it. I should be furious, I should be I know. But I can't. I love this man, I have dreamed of the day that I hear him say, "it's you....it's always been you"



People say 'time heals all wounds' I know that's true, I've been wounded before but this is different, it's not something that can be bandaged and eventually it's just better. I am broken, so beyond broken that it's hard to breath. I miss my friend, I miss his laugh, I miss the way he says my name when I've said something he doesn't like, I miss the sound of his voice when he's telling me a story. I think about him everyday...all day... I miss him.

What really hurts the most is that I came so close to having it. I almost had what everyone around me has.....someone.

Do you ever wake up and think 'that was a horrible nightmare and I'm so glad it's over'

and then you realize that the nightmare you are referring to is your life and that it's not over, you finally just woke up and realized that you've just waisted so much time and effort on the wrong person?

But what's worse is you woke up and you feel nothing but broken but the person who finished you off is nothing more than a helpless victim in your pursuit of finding the one guy whom you thought could just fix it all for you. Or what's even more scary is the realization that you might just be unfixable.

I think the worst nightmare of all is that I waisted so much time on blaming them for not being enough, or blaming them for leaving when in fact I pushed them away with my unrealistic expectations of what relationship should be. No one could have lived up to those standards, no one can make you better. They can support you, they can help you through it, then can sit with you when you are knee deep in Kleenex and you can't really explain why you are crying but yet can't stop either. But they can't make it better for you. One day you just realize that you are the only one who can change your situation. You are the only one that can heal the wounds and let the past stay where it belongs. You are the only person who you can't forgive but you can't move forward until you do.

So I have to forgive myself for what I did to them and for what I allowed them to do to me.
Anyone know how????

Honestly looking back on all those relationships it's hard to believe that I used the term "love" so loosely. Truth is, I don't think I really knew what love was, until now. I use to think that there was a reason that all of these relationships "failed" that there was a bigger picture than what I could see. That my prince was going to come, he was. I deserved the same happiness as everyone else around me was getting. I wanted love, I wanted the husband and the kids and the white picket fence, but it never happened for me. They always left. People always leave...then one day after I stopped and took stock of my life and the bad decisions I'd made about some of them, and I realized that it wasn't that they always leave, it was that they always leave me. And I realized that I may never get my "fairytale" I may never have the happily ever after I just have to know that I did love, I did love someone with all of me and that regardless of what the situation was with him, I really want to believe that he loved me to. I've loved without reservations without guards without thought, it was reckless and I knew it I knew that my love for him would truly never be realized outside the walls of my own heart he was my person, my i can say anything and know it's OK person, my when I have a bad day just hearing his voice puts a smile on my face person. His touch, his smile, the look he would give me right before we'd kiss, sometimes he'd look in my eyes and I swear he saw it, he saw what I felt for him and then he'd grin, he'd grin like he knew it all along and felt the same for me. Everything about him was what I wanted, he was what and who I needed. But I had to let go, I had to put his happiness and what he needs ahead of my selfish "he should be with me" attitude. I was tired of convincing him that he should be with me, as much as I tried to convince myself that he was at times, he was never really mine to have. But I loved him, I was without a doubt hopefully and hopelessly in love with him.
It's all about timing. My life as crazy and as up and down as it's been it's always come back to timing. I guess I just needed a better watch!

It's been a while since I've written. Not because there wasn't anything to write about. I wish I were that lucky to only have the story of TEN to write about. Truth is I have a few more that could easily provide quality entertainment. Truth is I'm in love. I'm in 100% old fashioned, head over heals in love with someone. But I can't talk about it, I can't let anyone know about it because it's....well....complicated. It's someone I have no business loving. Someone I have no right to want to be with. Someone that if it got out, lives would be ruined, hearts would be broken, the world as I know it would change forever. I'm not suppose to love this person. I'm not suppose to think about them, want them, wish that everyday I could just be with them. It started as a friendship, it started as somone I could talk to about anything and they just got it. It started as well....a joke. We talked, we talked everyday. We talked about anything and everything. We supported each other in life, love, or lack of, work problems, life problems, family problems. There wasn't anything off limit. It was friendship of the truest form. Then one day it just changed. I woke up and realized that I loved this person more than anything or anyone. I was complete, I was happy and all because this person was in my life and knew everything about me. good and bad. and still wanted to be with me. But we can't. We can't be together because of a number of things.

So ten... ok the best way to explain ten is this:
You know the sticker in rear view mirrors that say "objects in mirror are closer than they appear?" Well Ten should have to wear a sticker that says "object is NOT what it appears!"