Ok so I know what your thinking....ex con??? Seriously??? But everyone makes mistakes right?? Who am I to judge. I did "stuff" in college, he was just stupid enough to get caught. He served 14 months in jail and was "redeemed". I met Eight through mutual friends. I was instantly attracted to him. He was SEXY as hell, he had these blue eyes that could seriously level you, he had this smile that could literally make your knees week and your heart face and there were times that it could just......well you get the point. Not to mention that Eight had a rockin hot body. Ok but all looks aside, he was funny, he was sweet, and he was humble. On our first date we ended up ended realizing how much we had in common, we talked for hours, when the night started ending I didn't want to leave him. He walked me to my car and we stood there talking for a little while. I couldn't help it. I just attacked him. We did a little kissin, but I was trying not to make the same mistakes that I had done in the past and let it all be about the physical. He asked for my number and promised he wouldn't do the normal wait for 4 days to call guy thing. I laughed, and honestly expected him to do so. The next day I got a hilarious voice-mail message from him. So we hung out that night, the next night, the night after that. We dated for months and everyday I spent with him I found more to like. He told me all about the past, he'd been married, has two boys that live with his ex wife and he doesn't get to see them all that often, but he misses them. He told me about prison and what he did to go there. He told me how much he regretted loosing everything for nothing. Eight and I were so connected, so addicted to each other that we spent all our free time together. I screwed up though, I pushed him into meeting my family, I pushed the religion thing on him because I was in a place in my life that I had 'returned' to the church and was committed to making it part of my life. He eventually got scared and we broke up. I missed him, I missed laughing with him, I missed just laying in his arms, those big, muscular, beautiful.big....wow....sorry kind of got lost there for a second. Anyway, we spent about 8 months apart and then we ran into each other one day. He was different, different in a way that at the time I couldn't really identify. We picked up right where we left off. This time I left out family, I left out religion, relationship talk, anything that would scare him off. For one thing I wasn't in that place with him, or at least I tried to tell myself that I wasn't, I knew that a life with Eight would never be what I needed or without sounding like a bitch what I deserved. I think that I just missed how he made me feel. Eight had the ability to make me just forget. Forget about everything and just live in that moment. I didn't feel like I had to impress him, I didn't feel like I had to be someone else for him to love me. It was funny, the night he told me he loved me he said the reason he fell for me was because of how I made him feel. He said that I was the only person whom he truly believed didn't judge him for what he'd done. He said that I made him want to be a better person. I hated that line, Seven used that line on me about the girl he left me for. "she makes me want to be a better person" like I made him want to be a bad one???
Eight and I kept up our relationship for about 5 months, then he went to his home town for the holidays and on the way back stopped at his ex wife's house to see his boys. One thing led to another and he ended up sleeping with her. (this I found out months later) He came back and was distant, he was on edge and every time I tried to find out what was wrong he would tell me it was nothing, but it was. It was classic guilt but I didn't know it at the time. He eventually faded completely and the harder I tried the further it pushed him away. He told me one night that he didn't feel like he was enough for me and that he knew my life would be be better off without him. He left town in the middle of the night and didn't even say goodbye. I went over to his house to try one more time and he was gone. I heard that he eventually got married and that he started parting again, but that was just what I'd heard, who knows if it was true.
What I thank Eight for was making me realize that I was better than what I was being. He made me realize that I deserved better than what he'd given me and that I was the only one who could make that happen. I wanted to hate Eight for what he'd done, but I couldn't. He had demons, he fought them everyday. I knew that. I had skeletons of my own, I just never let them affect the way I felt about him. He did.
LESSON LEARNED: Some times people believe what everyone else tells them. Sometimes when someone tells you that they aren't good enough for you, maybe they aren't. It's ok not to judge people for their pasts, but it's not ok to be oblivious to it either. I believe in change, I do, but I overlooked so many signs because I was trying to believe that if I believed in him enough, I could make it better for him. You control your own thoughts, feelings, actions. No one can make you a better person, you have to do that on your own.

Seven I actually met when I was 18 and had just moved down to go to college. He asked me out on a date and it was the most surreal date I've ever been on. We went to a concert in the park, then we went for ice cream and talked for hours. He was sweet, cute, but there was no real spark at that time. We stayed friends over the years he had been going to school up north for a while when he moved back home he came into where I worked and we started talking again. He would come in a few times a week, he actually worked across the street from me and so I would see him often. We flirted every time we saw each other but he wouldn't ever ask me out and I wasn't about to be the first one. So we kept flirting.....for months.....just flirting. It was just about old when he finally one day asked me to go to a movie with him. It was a start I told myself. Yeah, it was the start of a 2 year merry-go-round with us. We 'hung out' a few times a week, doing everything from just talking, watching or going to a movie, listening to music, he tried to teach me how to skim board, but with my grace or lack of I guess it was a disaster. I actually ended up moving around the corner from him and we were basically in the same world we had most of the same friends, we attended the same church, we were basically dating without the title of boyfriend / girlfriend. One night he asked me to go to a movie with him so we did, then he went back to his house and got his guitar and a blanket, took me to the park, laid out the blanket and started playing me music. He played and sang some songs that he'd written, he played a few more known songs, then he asked me what my favorite song was. I said "jet plane" by John Denver. He didn't know that one, but he did know "you feel up my senses" so he played and sang that. Something happened to me while he was singing that song. He was looking at me with this look like I was the only girl he saw or wanted to see for the rest of his life. He had a way of doing that, making you feel like you were special and there was no where else in the world he wanted to be than right there with you. We ended up kissing for the first time that night and all I'm gonna say is WOW! So like I said it was a merry-go-round because Seven couldn't ever 'make the commitment' not even the marriage commitment, the whole relationship on any level was too much for him. I stayed patient, we kept 'hanging out' then one day he tells me that he's moving away. He feels that he can't make a living here doing what he loves and he has the opportunity to do it in another state. I was floored, surprised, devastated. I even asked him to not go. But he did. We stayed in touch I even went to visit him for a weekend. I stayed at his house, we went for a walk on the beach, held hands, went to an amusement park and had so much fun. We spent the weekend being 'together' like a couple. Then I went back home and he stayed there. Eventually he moved back and we picked up where we left off. Hanging, but not to be confused with dating. It had been two years and I was getting frustrated. I wanted a commitment, I wanted to be with Seven. I had convinced myself that I could love him and that we were meant to be together. I tried to talk to Seven a few times about our "status" and he would always just say that there is no reason to label it. He had a hard time making the commitment, but it didn't mean he didn't care about me and love being with me. He would tell me to relax and be patient, time would tell. He came with me to my home town with me to attend my High School reunion, he spent the weekend at my parents house with me and charmed the pants off everyone. My whole family was rooting for us. So my family was having this big new years eve party and I had asked Seven to come to it with me. He agreed and we had it all planned until 2 days before he tells me that he can't come because he's going to work that night instead. I was furious. He told me to just come with him so we could still spend New Years together, but I wasn't about to let him off the hook. I mean, we weren't a 'couple' but that was only the title, everything else about our relationship screamed that we were. So I let my stubborn pride get in the way and I didn't go be with him that night. BIG BIG BIG mistake. He met and fell instantly for another girl. He started becoming distant from me and wasn't available to hang out much anymore. Two months later he comes to my house, watches the movie The Notebook with me, then proceeds to tell me that he is in love. He's never felt this way about anyone...ever and he wants to try and make a relationship with her work. 3 months later he was engaged to be married, 2 months later married. Commitment phobic my ass!
What I thank him for is setting the standard for being romanced. Say what you will but a guy that will lay a blanket down, play his guitar and sing "you feel up my senses" is a romantic. I tried so hard to hate Seven after he went to be with her, but I couldn't. He never promised me forever, he never even called me his girlfriend. All I was was a friend that he kissed every once in a while. So I couldn't hate him.
LESSON LEARNED: When a guy strings you along for over 6 months. RUN....RUN....RUN. When he does it for 2 years... well that just stupid on your part. When a guy tells you he's afraid of commitment he only means that he's afraid of a commitment with you.

Six I met when I interviewed him for a job. Right away I knew we'd be friends for life. He started working for me and we developed a great friendship. He'd just moved here from another state where he'd grown up. I never did find out why he moved, but he was living with his brother in a near by town and I was really glad he was there. He and I worked together for a little over a year and I had developed a crush on him. He is an amazing person, FUNNY, sweet, not shabby on the eyes, and we just clicked, but he was always harboring feeling for a girl he referred to as Hot E. She was from his home town and I think he's been in-love with her for the majority of his life. When Six told me he was moving back to his home town I was devastated.. I wanted him to stay.. I was never in LOVE with Six, but I absolutely adored him and my crush for him allowed me not to get into a relationship with anyone else, therefore avoiding more pain. He moved and I cried. We talked everyday on the phone, he was my go-to guy. Anything that went good or bad in my life Six was the first to know. He had great advice, he would tell me how it was, and most of all I could be "crazy" around him and he didn't judge. Six had planned a trip to the Beach and called and asked if I wanted to go. I was trilled, but I couldn't figure out if I was more excited to go to the beach.....or spend a whole week with him. I ended up driving to the Beach and Six and another friend of his drove with me. We had so much fun, we talked, we laughed, or we could just sit there and not speak and it was ok. I was more comfortable with Six than any other human being. The Beach house we stayed in was amazing, there was a group of us so it was easy to hang and just chill. I ended up sharing a room with Six, we had a big king bed and at first I thought it would be awkward sleeping in the same bed until the first night we were there and Six told me he felt closer to me than his own sisters! AAAARRRRGGGG I was like a SISTER to him. That is worse than just being put in the friend zone. At least in the friend zone there is a small, mute chance of ever getting out. But the 'sister zone' you are screwed! You will never get out! Six had dated Hot E a little when he moved back but for whatever reason she wasn't into him. He was heartbroken. He would sit and talk to me about her and I had the hardest time not calling her and saying "are you stupid. This man is amazing and he is in love with you." But I didn't because maybe deep down I was still hoping that one day he might feel that way about me. Well about 6 months later I get a phone call from Six telling me that he was getting married....to Hot E. I got off the phone and was ready to break down...but I realized that my feeling for Six were a guard, a front if you will to protect my heart from anyone else. I was actually happy for Six. He got his dream girl, he got his "one true love". I ended up going to their wedding and met Hot E for the first time. She was perfect for him. Everything I in visioned she would have to have because of how amazing he was. The second I saw his face when she started down the isle, I knew he was where and with whom he was meant for. I eventually ended up becoming friends with E. I adore her as much as Six and one day really hope to have that kind of relationship.
What I thank Six for is always letting me be me. Never making me feel like I wasn't worthy of the very best. He always said If I tried to settle for anything less than that, he wouldn't allow it. He will forever and always be my soul-mate. I know that people say you have to have the "love" to have a soul mate, but Six and I had better than "love" we had respect, we have true friendship.
What I learned: That you really can get who you want. He never gave up on E, even though there were times he was beyond wounded by her. He always knew that they were meant for each other and he never surrendered that. That I am blessed that I was able to have that one person in my life that I know I can always count on. I learned that happily ever after can happen. E got her prince, maybe mine isn't dead after all!!!

Five I met when I moved to Oscar for the summer. He is my bestfriend B's cousin and is 6 years younger than me. The first time I met him I thought he was adorable, he was so shy and quiet until he feels comfortable around you, then he opens up. At first Five was just fun to flirt with and mess with. I never in a million had any intentions of being anything more than a friend of his. He was from a small town close to Oscar and there really wasn't a lot to do. Five had a friend that was IN LOVE with B so they always made sure they were around when we were. It eventually came out that Five had developed a small crush on me as well which made sense as to why every time I came in a room he would literally light up. I swear there was a time when Five really thought the sun rose and shined just for me. It was sweet and adorable. One night after quite a dry spell B and I decided that it would be OK if we just did a little kissin with the boys even though they were younger than us, no one would have to know and nothing else would come of it. So we planned this little "drive" up to a cave and asked the boys if they'd go with us cause we really didn't know where we were going. They of course were delighted to be our tour guides. What I failed to mention was about a month before I'd moved to Oscar Five was in a very serious car accident and had broken his hip, tailbone, and had a compound fracture in his femur. He was limited in what he could do and I felt so bad for him, I'd make as much time as I could for him and hang out watching movies or just talking to him. I loved the attention he gave me. I loved the way he looked at me. So the night at the cave B and her boy decided to get out and look around and because Five couldn't walk all that well yet we just stayed in the truck and listened to music. One thing led to another and we started kissing. He was so sweet, so affectionate. He kept telling me how beautiful he thought I was and how he'd wanted to kiss me since the first day he saw me. I felt bad, I didn't want to lead him on, but the attention was nice. We hung out a few times after that and then I met Four. So after Four I was devastated, beyond broken, but I needed something. I needed to feel like what Four did wasn't about me. B and her boy had continued their relationship and so he would come up north and spend some time with her. Five decided to come with him one weekend and I ended up needing him. So if you want to say that I used Five and made him my rebound, at that point in our relationship you would be right. But that "rebound" relationship lasted 2 years. I stayed with Five because of who he was in the beginning. But during the course of our relationship we both changed. He was different, I was different. I think we cared about each other, but there was definitely no love involved. He didn't know how to be a boyfriend, and I didn't know how to not have one. I know that doesn't make any sense, but he was safe to be with because I knew he didn't love me and I didn't or couldn't love him. There were times that were really good and fun, but there were also some really bad times and Five could be an ass when he wanted to. I stayed with Five for that long because I was so afraid to be with anyone else that could hurt me. I did not want to feel anything that would eventually cause heartbreak. Eventually I recovered from Four and realized that my relationship with Five was an emotional cover. Five and I ended our relationship but what was tragic about it, our friendship ended too. There was no going back to the beginning. No going back to the people that spent that first night talking for hours and laughing so hard our stomachs hurt. I was never able to look at Five and see who he first saw in me. The sun no longer rose or shined when I walked into a room for Five and we both knew it.
What I thank Five for is the boy he was in the beginning, the friends and family that I got close to because of him, he was the reason my best friend B met and fell in love with her now husband and father of her two beautiful kids. Five made me forget about Four every once in a while, and I think without having Five there, my heart would have never mended.
LESSON LEARNED: Rebounds should never be anything more than a few good times. Don't use a person to get over someone else, in the end it's not fair to either of you. And if you find yourself the REBOUND girl for a guy RUN....RUN AWAY. It will never end in your favor!
Take time when you get your heart broke. Time really does heal all wounds, or at least masks the pain for a while.

Four.....oh boy....oh boy......Four. Ok, first let me start by saying that I was under the complete impression that he was divorced, the reason I was under that impression was that HE TOLD ME HE WAS DIVORCED!!!
Ok...here's the story of FOUR. I had moved to a small town that I'll refer to as Oscar to spend the summer doing nothing but hanging out with my friend I'll call B. B and I had decided that we were going to Oscar to spend the summer waiting tables at her relatives restaurant and live in her parents summer house and basically have no responsibilities what so ever and just have fun. I was 24, recovered from loosing THREE to stupidity and just wanting to be anybody but me. One of my best friends was getting married and had asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was nervous about her wedding because her groom had a cousin whom I had a small fling with and had it end by him just not showing up for a date one night and was to have never been heard from again. (by me anyway). So I knew that Cousin was going to be there and I was trying to figure out how to deal with it all. I decided to play it cool and pretend that it didn't bother me that he'd done what he'd done to me, play it aloof if you will. The wedding was amazing, the bride beautiful as always, and I had managed to pull off my aloof attitude with Cousin. Now what I failed to mention was who Four was. He was the brother of the groom. The HOT oh my hell sexy brother of FOUR, but I had no intentions of doing anything other than helping my friend get through her big day. So after the reception we were cleaning up and the some of the wedding party decided that it would be fun to go to a dance club in a near by city. I was up for a good time so I rode down with my new friends (who were good friends of the bride and groom) we'll call them Jack and Jill ( not original I know, but not their real names either) so on the drive down Jack informs me that Cousin was telling them how much he'd regretted what he'd done and was hoping that maybe I'd give him another chance. But he also told me how Four had said the he thought I was "beautiful" so Jill proceeds to tell me that I had a choice to make because both were coming down to dance with us and both were interested in me. So we're in the club, three or four drinks into the night, feeling all sort of good and in walks Cousin and Four. Jill leans over to me and says pick one. So my thinking is there is no way in hell I'm getting into it again with Cousin, I wasn't heartbroken by him, I was humiliated.... which is almost worse. But Four, well Four was WAY out of my league and I knew regardless of me being "beautiful" to him, I'd never be anything else but a "good time" so I threw caution to the wind and flirted my little butt off with Four... all night...we danced, we drank, we laughed, and I ignored Cousin. Mean, maybe...but he disappeared on me. He deserved it.
Jill ended up getting a little more drunk than intended and was not feeling all that well, so they decided to call it a night and go home. I wasn't ready to go, but they were my ride so I told Four thanks and started to walk away when he said "you know, you could stay and ride home with me." I said "didn't you come with Cousin?" "he said "yeah" I said "um. no thanks." he said "he can find him own way home." Four and I ended up making out in the parking lot, half way home on the side of the road in the car, at my sisters house after we got back into town....all night long.
So my thinking is I just had a PG13 one night fling with a HOT guy and I was going to go back to Oscar and continue my summer of no responsibility and chalk this weekend up to a "good time" Four asked for my number, but isn't that what their suppose to do to avoid them making you feel like a 'one night stand' . I returned to Oscar, told B all about my weekend and went on with my summer. To my surprise Four called me the next day, and the next, and the next. Two weeks later after talking everyday to him he asks me where I live. So I half ass explained how to get to Oscar from where he lives thinking he was just curious, very few people had heard of Oscar let alone ever been there. It's outside of a small town and consisted of 4 other houses, in the middle of nowhere. B and I lived on a Ranch in the woods miles off the highway. It was almost impossible to find without a detailed map so half ass directions you can imagine would be completely impossible. I seriously thought that Four was just curious. Around midnight that night 6 hours after our conversation Four showed up on my front porch. He'd drove 3 1/2 hours to the middle of nowhere, got completely lost, and had been driving around for hours trying to find our house. I was blown away. No one had ever gone through so much to spend one day with me. We spent all night in each others arms and most of the next day until he had to leave. This was the beginning of a beautiful relationship I told myself. Four and I talked every day, I went back to my sisters for the weekend to see him, we spent as many weekends as possible together even after I moved back up north after the summer was over. He came to see me up there, we ended up going to my cousins wedding together and I introduced him to my parents, my family, my friends and we spent the weekend with B and her boyfriend at her families condo in a resort town a few hours away from where we lived. It was the perfect weekend, we watched movies, we went to a fancy restaurant, we made love for the first time.....I was head over heals, in complete, 100% in old fashioned love with Four. Two weekends later he came to my parents house the weekend of my dad's 50th surprise birthday party and met the rest of my family. He met my gran-d. My favorite person in the whole world...she took one look at him, one look at my face and she knew. I was in love. It had been 4 months since that first night with Four and I had never in my life felt this way about anyone. I was back up north and I get this phone call from some woman claiming to be his WIFE!!! Wife had gotten my number off his pager and called to tell me to leave her husband alone. I of course was shocked and stumbled my way through the whole conversation. I hung up and immediately called Four to find out what the hell was going on. He of course denied the whole thing, said she must have gotten it while he was over there picking up the kids, that there weren't still married and that he was in love with me, she's just crazy. So of course I believe him. 1 month later 2 weekends with him and numerous "crazy" phone calls from her I get the phone call I knew was coming, just couldn't let myself realize it. He called to tell me that he was getting back together with his WIFE, that the divorced hadn't gone through completely, so he stopped it because he thought that's what needed to be done for his kids sake. He had moved back in with her a month ago and he was going to try and make it work for his kids. He kept saying that..."this is only for my kids sake" like that was helping the fact that I'd just spend 5 months with a married man, that he'd made me his dirty little mistress, that I was so in love with this man who had lied to me, over and over again he'd lied to me, but he was sitting on the phone confessing his love to me and telling me how sorry he was, that he never meant to hurt me. I hate that line..."I never meant to hurt you" well.....you did and it hurts just the same.
I was devastated, I hung up the phone and I swear could literally feel my heart break. My chest hurt, my thoughts were everywhere, the room I swear was spinning, I was 100% undeniably, completely broken.
Ok, so what I thank him for is what hate him for at the same time. It was loving me, telling me every time he saw me that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and somehow making me feel that. Kissing me every time with such passion and affection, and backing it up with his looks. OMG....the way that he would look at me, never before or since had I felt so beautiful, special, wanted, needed, sexy, and loved by one look. I loved this man, I without hesitation will tell you that both good and bad Four had a very real impact on my life.
LESSON LEARNED: I learned from Four to love completely, trust without hesitation and for the first time in my life I'd learned the true meaning of the word pain. I learned that getting thrown into an emotional tailspin will only land you in an emotional hole that will take you years to dig out of. I learned to never trust a look. Not everyone can learn to look at you like the way he looked at me, it's a rare breed that can say what you want to hear and make it what you need to hear without blinking an eye. But they exist, they are what are referred to as PLAYERS or CHARMERS or LIARS, or CHEATERS, but I guess the one true thing I learned from all of it is
if a woman calls and claims to be their WIFE.....she probably is and you'd best believe her.

This one....this one is going to break your heart. Or make you want to beat the crap out of me. But either way, here is the story of THREE. THREE I have know since the 6th grade. He was a few years older than me and I had the hugest crush on him from the day I met him. We had a small romance when I was 12 but he broke up with me by having a friend tell me that it was over. We went round 2 when I was 15 right before I started dating ONE. THREE was a "bad boy" he was popular, funny, extremely talented, and incredibly sexy. But he was tortured. He didn't have the best relationship with his dad, his dad was a nice guy, but for some reason whatever THREE did was never enough for him and he reminded him of that everyday. Three once told me that "when you hear you're worthless on a daily basis, you eventually have to start believing it" so you can kind of see where the "rebel" in him came from. If memory serves me the reason we didn't survive round 2 was because I wouldn't sleep with him. Now I know what you're thinking... what a jerk right? Yes in his way he was, but I just don't think that THREE could ever let anyone be that close to him, anytime he ever started getting "involved" with a girl, he bailed for one stupid reason or another. Round 3 I was 18 (right before I got involved with TWO) had just moved down to college and ended up living in the same apartment complex as him. He was majoring in parting. He did it like it was an art form. I would go over and watch him drink and other stuff then I would help him up the stairs and put him to bed and lay there just wishing that he would clean up his act and then we could be together. So one day I get this very cryptic phone call from him that said he needed my help, that he couldn't explain why, but he needed me to go over to his apartment and move the rest of his stuff out of his room and just hold on to it for a while. I asked what was going on but he said he couldn't explain, he just said please do this for me and I love you. He'd never said that before to me. So I hung up the phone with this very real feeling that I may never see or hear from him again. I went over to the apartment and it looked like it had be raided. There was stuff missing from every room, it looked deserted, but not that someone had moved out, just taken what they could grab in a hurray look. So I got the remaining items from his room and I waited. I waited for 2 weeks. Then one day THREE showed up on my front porch asking for his stuff. No Hi. How are you? No I'm sorry about making you worry, Just can I get my stuff. So at that point I lost it. I started screaming at him, telling him how selfish he was, how worried I was about him, how I had no idea what had happened to him, that I've been thinking for the last 2 weeks that he was dead in a gutter somewhere, that the last thing he said to me was "I love you" and now all I get is a "can I get my stuff" He just stood there and looked at me like I was crazy, which I'm sure my behavior backed that thinking up nicely, but I didn't even give him the chance to explain I said the only thing that I could think of, what came out of my mouth was "the saddest part about this whole thing is that I am the only damn person in this world who believed in you and I get nothing from you, your dad is right, you are worthless"
I was 22 had just moved home from parting my ass off and living up north. I had what some people would call a wee bit of a breakdown and my parents moved me home for "my own good" I started working at this little gas station in my home town and low and behold who walked in one night. Yep THREE. Looking all fine and sexy as always. He just flashed this no girl can resist smile at me and Round 4 started. This time was different, he was older, more mature if you will and ready for a commitment. I on the other hand was wounded still from TWO and had lived the last 3 years going through men like they were disposable. No one in that time frame got anything other than a bootycall, no emotions were ever attached on my end. I wanted to trust THREE I did, I wanted nothing more than to stay in his little house that he built, in his arms and give my heart to him. We dated for 4 months and one night we were laying on the couch and he asked what I wanted. Like the smartass that I was I responded "a room full of balloons" it was a quote I'd heard in a movie once. A week later THREE invited me over to dinner and when I walked into the room it was full of balloons. He then told me that what I had said to him that night on the front porch changed him. He knew at that point he wasn't good enough for me but over the last few years that's what he'd been working towards, what he wanted more than anything, he said he knew the day he saw me in that gas station that this was his chance. He then asked if I would stay with him, marry him, let him take care of me. I so much wanted to say yes, my heart was screaming yes, but my head my head said that I would be stuck in that town forever. The town that I couldn't wait to get out of when I graduated, the town that so many women were stuck in because the people they loved would never leave. I would never get out of the town and that was my only reason for saying no. I broke his heart and mine too because of geography. I walked away from what could have been the best thing in my life, from a guy that I have no doubt loved me and would have done anything to make me happy, the guy that I had wanted to be with since I was 10. I just walked away. So the tragic part of this story is that I still think of him often, I still miss him, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I'm home and run into him, I still kick myself for not just screaming yes and jumping into his arms. I mean the man filled a room with balloons off a smartass comment. I just walked away. He eventually got married and has 3 beautiful kids and I have no doubt spends everyday doing what he can to make his wife happy. What I thank THREE for is wel... loving me. He loved me like no one else has but I hope that I will find that kind of love again, I just hope I'm smart enough to take care of it this time.
Lesson learned: It doesn't matter where you live what matters is who loves you and wants to be with you. You can't go back...ever. What's done is done and you live with your decisions good or bad it was your decision and you have to deal with the consequences of your own actions. I could have been really happy with THREE, but you can't live on could of, should have, would have. Eventually you have to lie in the bed you made. There is always going to be a battle between your head and your heart, sometimes, just sometimes you should let your heart win. OK enough analogies, you get the point.

So let's now talk about "TWO". OK. So I graduated from High School and couldn't wait to get out of the "small" town I grew up in. I was so ready to move where people didn't know me, where I could start over and be me. I know that sounds weird, like I wasn't really "me" in HS. but is anyone really? I had to live up to the person that I created to get through high school, the fun,peppy,lovable version of me. I especially had to redeem myself after the whole drama queen period with ONE. I also had that "good" girl, the "honey we're so proud of you" girl thing going. Don't get me wrong, I didn't move to college with the sole intention of becoming a bad girl.. I was just hoping that maybe she could come out every once in a while. So anyway...back to TWO. I started working at this little pizza place when I moved down and TWO was a delivery driver. It was a fun place to work, there were a lot of cool people that worked there. TWO's good friend we'll call him BUD (i know.. so clever) worked there, once small problem though BUD for whatever reason hated me. It was like that school ground thing where he just teased and teased and everyone thought it was because he really liked you, but in reality he actually just couldn't stand you. Well no matter I had developed a small crush on TWO but he had a girlfriend so of course it was just all about the flirt. We had this little game we played every time we saw each other, he'd walk in and say "look at you." it was his way of saying I looked good I guess. And I'd say "what's up?" and he's say "your pants but I'm hoping to change that soon." I know...I know cheesy and stupid and the guy had a girlfriend but it was all in good fun. So TWO and I kept this little game up for months, then one day he walked in and things were different. He didn't do the "look at you" he was somber and almost but not quite sad. Come to find out he broke up with the girlfriend, when I asked why he just looked at me. He looked at me like no one ever had before, this sweet...adoring....loving...I wanna rip your clothes off look. So TWO and I started hanging out, a lot. At first it was just fun, he was dangerous, nothing that you'd ever take home to the parents. I knew his track record, I knew that if he flirted with me like he did while he was in a relationship who's to say that he wouldn't do the same to me. Right? Sounded all logical and right in my head but did that stop me for falling head over heals for him? Nope. I was within about 2 months "in love" with TWO. We were always together, one night he asked (like we were 12) if I'd be his girlfriend. I was so excited and for the first time in a long time happy. I eventually "gave" myself to TWO. Yes I know a virgin at 18 was unheard of but I was. So fast forward to 5 months into this relationship. TWO started getting distant and offish. Of course I knew all the classic signs because I'd gone through it with ONE, but was I to believe that TWO was looking else where for everything that I was giving him? Love, attention, affection, trust, companionship, friendship, fun and yes nookie.
I had a trip up north coming up for a few days to visit my doctor so I thought the space would do us both some good. So I went to my appointment, they took some blood like they always did, but a result that I wasn't expecting came back. I was pregnant. Now there were many reasons why this was so shocking to me. A- I was 18 not married and on the verge of a breakup B- I had been told since I was 13 years old that I'd never be able to have kids C-I was 18 not married .
So I went home to tell TWO the news only to discover that TWO had gotten "back together" (for only a few days) with his ex. I was furious, hurt, scared. But I couldn't tell him. I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to be, not because he felt obligated. So I kept it in, or tried to. One day I was at work and was cutting vegetables and just burst into tears. BUD was the only other person there and at first there was of course this awkward silence between us, but then he came over and asked what was wrong. I still don't know why I did, but I opened up to him and told him everything. He then put his arms around me, and told me that everything was going to be OK. I knew it wasn't but it was nice to hear. A month later, everything changed. My life as I knew it was never going to be the same. I had a miscarriage. I lost my baby and the only person who knew I was even pregnant was BUD. I called him crying and he came over, took me to the doctor, then brought me home and stayed with me all night. I don't think we said more than 5 words to each other but he stayed, just held my hand and let me cry. About a week later he convinced me that I should talk to TWO and let him know what had happened. Like an idiot I did. At first he was nice, concerned, I even sensed regret. We got back together after that and dated for a few months. One night we were laying there, not really talking about anything and out came "Hey...will you marry me?" I don't know why, but for whatever reason I said yes. Fast forward a month to me coming home to get a school book from his room and finding him in bed with another girl.
What I got from TWO that I thank him for still is BUD. He and I became great friends and that friendship has lasted over 12 years. He helped me through one of the most tramatic experiences of my life and I don't think I would have made it through without him.
Lesson Learned: I found out that you or anyone else for that matter can't help who you love. It's possible I think to be in love with two different people who are completely opposite from each other, I guess you just have to live with who they love more. You could say he cheated on me, but I don't believe in labeling that act as cheating nor the person as a cheater. It's hard to throw stones when you've done the same thing. I don't blame him for wanting something else, obviously I wasn't giving him what he needed and he found it somewhere else. I think there is more to a person than labels. I also think that it's not always about you, sometimes men go somewhere else and there wasn't anything that you could do to avoid that, but sometimes there is.

So let me first start by telling you a lilttle about each one of these 10 men.
#1 we'll call him ONE. (genius isn't it?) so I met one when I was 15 years old. I had had other boyfriends before him, but he was my first serious relationship. He was 2 years older than me and hung around with my cousin and his friends so access to him was made a little easier. He was tall, dark, cute, and so so shy. His shyness was adorable. I was the opposite. I was outgoing, and ran with the popular girls. I was a dancer on the dance team for our high school, played sports, in student council, so pretty much your all around typical "IN" girl. I remember the first night I flirted with ONE I seriously thought he would die of embarrassment, but I didn't care, he was so sweet and so nice that I just wanted to be around him. We eventually started dating exclusively. We were the IT couple. We dated for 2 years and everything was great for the first year and 1/2. But something happened to ONE. He came out of his shell, whether of not it had anything to do with me I don't know, but regardless he became outgoing and every girl wanted to be around him, not only was he hot but he was still sweet and so much fun to be around. He discovered that he quite enjoyed the attention that other girls gave him and I discovered my jealous side. Long story short, I became possessive and he became detached. He ended our relationship and I had a really hard time dealing with that. I acted like a total drama queen whenever he was around, and I tortured the next girl he started dating. I eventually surrendered my obsession with him and got past that part of my life.
One and I tried our best to be friends during the remaining HS days, but it wasn't until 4 years later we hung out again, we had a short fling, but it was never right for either of us. The one thing that I will say that ONE taught me was forgiveness. He had every right to hate me after all that I had done to him, and the way I acted, but he didn't he took the high road and taught me humility. I will forever think of ONE as my first "love" and appreciate him for the man that he was and the way he treated me, even in the bad times I was never disrespected or treated unkind by him. Not once. To that I want to say to him. Thank you.
The lesson I learned:
Jealousy gets you no where. The only person who benefits from it is the girl who gets him after you. The one thing through out the years I've learned is either you trust the one you're with, or you don't. Sounds simple and maybe stupid, but don't give them a reason to cheat by accusing them before they do. Cause if you keep thinking they will, chances are they will. You have to be secure in the relationship you are in and with the feelings that person has for you, if you are not, then that's about you... not them.

So where to start. I thought about the begining, but that is 17 years , 10 "serious" relationships, and a long, long list of nightmarish behavior, both mine and theirs and I didn't think that anyone would want to hear all that. But then I thought in order for you to completely understand how I got to the point of displaying my tourtured love-life on a blog for everyone to view. You must be introduced to the 10 that I believe good or bad helped me get to this place.
For privacy issues the 10 that will be mentioned will be know with nicknames that myself or those around me have "labeled" them with.

Here we go.....
#1 = The H. S. Love
#2= The Player
#3= The one that got away
#4= The Married Guy
#5= The juvinile
#6= The best friend
#7= The committment phobic
#8= The excon
#9= The Repeat
#10= The liar

You are probably laughing at my title, which is fine, but yes i am in fact a single 30 something year old girl living in UTAH. The pressure.....oh my the pressure.
So everyone I know is into this blogging thing, and normally I don't follow what everyone else is doing, but lately there have been some things going on in my life and I'm pretty sure everyone who loves me is sick of hearing about it. Normally I write in my journals (laugh if you must) but no one will benefit from my wisdom or stupidly until I'm dead and my family finds them and reads them, then it would just become a "if she would have only told us" situation. So for their benefit and my sanity, I thought I'd create this blog so that I can get some things off my chest and maybe provide a little humor in the process.