Ok so I know what your thinking....ex con??? Seriously??? But everyone makes mistakes right?? Who am I to judge. I did "stuff" in college, he was just stupid enough to get caught. He served 14 months in jail and was "redeemed". I met Eight through mutual friends. I was instantly attracted to him. He was SEXY as hell, he had these blue eyes that could seriously level you, he had this smile that could literally make your knees week and your heart face and there were times that it could just......well you get the point. Not to mention that Eight had a rockin hot body. Ok but all looks aside, he was funny, he was sweet, and he was humble. On our first date we ended up ended realizing how much we had in common, we talked for hours, when the night started ending I didn't want to leave him. He walked me to my car and we stood there talking for a little while. I couldn't help it. I just attacked him. We did a little kissin, but I was trying not to make the same mistakes that I had done in the past and let it all be about the physical. He asked for my number and promised he wouldn't do the normal wait for 4 days to call guy thing. I laughed, and honestly expected him to do so. The next day I got a hilarious voice-mail message from him. So we hung out that night, the next night, the night after that. We dated for months and everyday I spent with him I found more to like. He told me all about the past, he'd been married, has two boys that live with his ex wife and he doesn't get to see them all that often, but he misses them. He told me about prison and what he did to go there. He told me how much he regretted loosing everything for nothing. Eight and I were so connected, so addicted to each other that we spent all our free time together. I screwed up though, I pushed him into meeting my family, I pushed the religion thing on him because I was in a place in my life that I had 'returned' to the church and was committed to making it part of my life. He eventually got scared and we broke up. I missed him, I missed laughing with him, I missed just laying in his arms, those big, muscular, beautiful.big....wow....sorry kind of got lost there for a second. Anyway, we spent about 8 months apart and then we ran into each other one day. He was different, different in a way that at the time I couldn't really identify. We picked up right where we left off. This time I left out family, I left out religion, relationship talk, anything that would scare him off. For one thing I wasn't in that place with him, or at least I tried to tell myself that I wasn't, I knew that a life with Eight would never be what I needed or without sounding like a bitch what I deserved. I think that I just missed how he made me feel. Eight had the ability to make me just forget. Forget about everything and just live in that moment. I didn't feel like I had to impress him, I didn't feel like I had to be someone else for him to love me. It was funny, the night he told me he loved me he said the reason he fell for me was because of how I made him feel. He said that I was the only person whom he truly believed didn't judge him for what he'd done. He said that I made him want to be a better person. I hated that line, Seven used that line on me about the girl he left me for. "she makes me want to be a better person" like I made him want to be a bad one???
Eight and I kept up our relationship for about 5 months, then he went to his home town for the holidays and on the way back stopped at his ex wife's house to see his boys. One thing led to another and he ended up sleeping with her. (this I found out months later) He came back and was distant, he was on edge and every time I tried to find out what was wrong he would tell me it was nothing, but it was. It was classic guilt but I didn't know it at the time. He eventually faded completely and the harder I tried the further it pushed him away. He told me one night that he didn't feel like he was enough for me and that he knew my life would be be better off without him. He left town in the middle of the night and didn't even say goodbye. I went over to his house to try one more time and he was gone. I heard that he eventually got married and that he started parting again, but that was just what I'd heard, who knows if it was true.
What I thank Eight for was making me realize that I was better than what I was being. He made me realize that I deserved better than what he'd given me and that I was the only one who could make that happen. I wanted to hate Eight for what he'd done, but I couldn't. He had demons, he fought them everyday. I knew that. I had skeletons of my own, I just never let them affect the way I felt about him. He did.
LESSON LEARNED: Some times people believe what everyone else tells them. Sometimes when someone tells you that they aren't good enough for you, maybe they aren't. It's ok not to judge people for their pasts, but it's not ok to be oblivious to it either. I believe in change, I do, but I overlooked so many signs because I was trying to believe that if I believed in him enough, I could make it better for him. You control your own thoughts, feelings, actions. No one can make you a better person, you have to do that on your own.