So ten... ok the best way to explain ten is this:
You know the sticker in rear view mirrors that say "objects in mirror are closer than they appear?" Well Ten should have to wear a sticker that says "object is NOT what it appears!"
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Ok...truth...I've been having a hard time trying to figure out how to talk about Nine. So when I say that Nine was my "one" there could be a million different definitions to what I mean. The "one" that got away. The "one" that I will love no matter what. The only "one" that I really loved. The "one" that broke my heart into a million pieces. The "one" that I will forever and always want in my life. The "one" that is undoubtedly the "one" that ruined me for the rest of them. The "one" that if I could I would change everything about the way I did things with him. The "one" that sometimes I feel caused more damage to my heart and soul then all the others combined. The "one" that for good and bad changed my life....forever.
Truth is, he was all of those in one way or another.
So Nine I met just shortly after I recovered from Two. Nine had just gotten home from time spent in a foreign country. He was part of the family that owned the restaurant that I had worked in through out college. He was cute, sweet, and so funny. But I wasn't looking for anything particular, I was still recovering from Two and had rebounded with a few other guys but my head and my heart were not anywhere close to being on the same page about love or relationships. Nine and I started becoming friends when he would come into the restaurant. All the other girls would tease me when he would leave because of how "affectionate" he was to me while he was there. In fact a few of them called him my puppy. Said that he followed me around like one and he hung on every word I would say. We eventually flirted our way into a first date. We went to a movie then he took me up to hill that had an amazing view of the city, we got out of the car and went and sat down on these rocks and just sat there and talked for hours. Nine was suppose to sing at a friends wedding that weekend and he was nervous about the song that he picked so I told him to practice on me and I'd be honest about it. He started to sing and OMH I was blown away. He has an amazing voice and I know the song wasn't written for me, but the way he sang it to me that night I would have never known. We ended up kissing that night and just like his song, his lips I swore were made just for me! We became a couple and we were a perfect match. He was amazingly sweet. I had so much fun with him, we laughed all the time. And when that boy turned on the charm and romance, watch out...it was hot. So we had this picture perfect relationship but there was always something missing. It was almost like the timing was just off, we dated for 5 months then for whatever reason I decided to move up north. So I did with the thought that we'd still see each other on weekends and that if it was "meant to be" it would work. So that lasted about 2 weekends then we broke up. But it wasn't a devastating, I hate your guts kind of break up. We were both fine about it, I was sad, but more for the fact that I felt like I was loosing my best friend more than anything. We vowed to stay friends and not let it get weird between us. I mean I had moved, he wasn't looking for marriage, we were better as friends than anything, so why wouldn't it work? Well within the year Nine had met and fell head over heals for this girl and married her. So not that he wasn't looking for marriage, he just wasn't looking for marriage with me.
Fast forward 8 years, 6 "relationships" later and I was back in town after having moved a few times and gone through a few bad things. I was at work and in walks Nine. I was so excited to see him cause it had been so long and of course I had moved past it all. We talked for a while and caught up on times. He proceeded to tell me that he and his wife had separated and were in the process of a divorce. They had 2 girls together, but just couldn't make the marriage work. It happens right?? So I gave him the sorry to hear that speech and thought nothing more of it. I learned my lesson from Four. Regardless of what caused the separation or divorce, you DO NOT want to be the first girl they are with after. Nine didn't have the same idea. He pursued me....relentlessly. He would call all the time, drop by my work, my house. Constantly want to "hang out" I kept telling him that I wasn't in that place with him, but he said he wouldn't give up so easily. I even went to the extent of spending "time" with his HOT best friend, thinking that would make him not want to be with me. It made it worse. He said he was so jealous that I was with him that it made him realize how much he really wanted to be with me. So after months of his pursuit, and the finalization of his divorce, I gave in. I started dating Nine again and fell completely in love with him and his girls. I spent as much time as I could with him and when he had the girls I would spend time with all of them. We went to movies together, the park to play, I even picked them up from the ex-wife and watched them on my own until Nine could get off work. We were "together" for over a year. When I say "together" I mean we were in a relationship with out the title. He would never call me his girlfriend. He would tell me how much he loved being with me, how much he enjoyed spending time with me, how much he loved the way I was with his girls, but anytime I was introduced to anyone it was this is my "friend". We had a physical relationship too. One night I was over at his house with them and we were reading the girls a story. We were all laying on the bed and it hit me. I was so in love with him, but more importantly I was in love with the whole idea of being with him and being a step mom to those girls. I wanted more than anything to be in their lives forever. So I did the only thing I could. I gave him the 'I love you and want to be with you forever' speech. BIG MISTAKE! That turned into a whole conversation about how he wasn't ready to commit to one person again. He loved me, wanted to be with me, just couldn't do the whole marriage thing again. I tried to convince him that I didn't propose to him, I just wanted him to know how I felt. Still, damage was done. We stayed 'together' for another 6 months being the same. Then he one day informed me that he was moving to a town that was about 1 1/2 hour away to work. He felt like he couldn't make a good living here, so he thought this would be best. He would come home on weekends and we would be together. But I soon realized that I had become more of a babysitter to him than a girlfriend. We would still kiss, snuggle, hang out together, but it was never alone. The only time he wanted to hang out with me was when he was with his girls. Which I loved, they had become like my own, but I had become a convenience to him. Nothing more.
I stayed in that situation for another 6 months because I couldn't imagine my life without any of them. I stayed until one night I realized that I would never be put ahead of his ex wife. He tried to tell me over and over that he wasn't in love with her anymore. But I knew better. It was always about her. They would talk all the time. When ever she would call he would drop whatever he was doing and tend to her. I knew and thought that his girls should of course come first with him, but I refused to be 2nd best to his ex. She'd moved on. Met and fell in love with another guy. But he couldn't let her go. So the night I let myself finally feel what I had known all along. I stood on his porch and confessed it all to him. Told him that I was completely in love with him, that I was ready to be with him and his girls forever, told him that there had never been anyone else who had ever looked at me the way he did, treated me with such kindness and adoration as he did. Told him that I wanted a life with him, I would move to be with him more if he wanted. I just keep confessing my undying devotion to him and he just stood there. Said nothing for the longest time, then finally said that he was sorry, but he just wasn't there yet.
HE WASN'T THERE YET!!! I'd spent 2 years with him and HE wasn't there yet. I stepped back, wiped the tears from my eyes, put my hand to his check like I always did, told him I loved him, and walked away.
It's been a little over a year since that night and I miss him everyday. I think about him everyday. Not everyday all day, but everyday. I stayed away as much as I could, he would call still come by, couldn't understand why we couldn't be friends. He would tell me how much he missed me and how hard it was for him to not be around me. I tried to tell him to give me time and that eventually I might be able to go back to that. I knew I never could, but I also could not imagine my life without him in it.
What I thank him for: Nine was the only guy I'd ever been with that made me feel as beautiful as he said I was. He never made me feel like I wasn't enough. He blamed himself for everything, he always told me that if he could, he'd be with me. I always felt special with him.
What I learned from him: If someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you. When someone leaves you but yet claims to miss you, of course they miss you... you are probably a miss able person, but THEY are choosing everyday to not be with you. There is a big difference in being the love of someones life or being a life support for them. I held his hand through a painful separation, all I was to him was a friend he could kiss, hug, hang out with who was good to his girls. all I was to him was that.
Truth is, he was all of those in one way or another.
So Nine I met just shortly after I recovered from Two. Nine had just gotten home from time spent in a foreign country. He was part of the family that owned the restaurant that I had worked in through out college. He was cute, sweet, and so funny. But I wasn't looking for anything particular, I was still recovering from Two and had rebounded with a few other guys but my head and my heart were not anywhere close to being on the same page about love or relationships. Nine and I started becoming friends when he would come into the restaurant. All the other girls would tease me when he would leave because of how "affectionate" he was to me while he was there. In fact a few of them called him my puppy. Said that he followed me around like one and he hung on every word I would say. We eventually flirted our way into a first date. We went to a movie then he took me up to hill that had an amazing view of the city, we got out of the car and went and sat down on these rocks and just sat there and talked for hours. Nine was suppose to sing at a friends wedding that weekend and he was nervous about the song that he picked so I told him to practice on me and I'd be honest about it. He started to sing and OMH I was blown away. He has an amazing voice and I know the song wasn't written for me, but the way he sang it to me that night I would have never known. We ended up kissing that night and just like his song, his lips I swore were made just for me! We became a couple and we were a perfect match. He was amazingly sweet. I had so much fun with him, we laughed all the time. And when that boy turned on the charm and romance, watch out...it was hot. So we had this picture perfect relationship but there was always something missing. It was almost like the timing was just off, we dated for 5 months then for whatever reason I decided to move up north. So I did with the thought that we'd still see each other on weekends and that if it was "meant to be" it would work. So that lasted about 2 weekends then we broke up. But it wasn't a devastating, I hate your guts kind of break up. We were both fine about it, I was sad, but more for the fact that I felt like I was loosing my best friend more than anything. We vowed to stay friends and not let it get weird between us. I mean I had moved, he wasn't looking for marriage, we were better as friends than anything, so why wouldn't it work? Well within the year Nine had met and fell head over heals for this girl and married her. So not that he wasn't looking for marriage, he just wasn't looking for marriage with me.
Fast forward 8 years, 6 "relationships" later and I was back in town after having moved a few times and gone through a few bad things. I was at work and in walks Nine. I was so excited to see him cause it had been so long and of course I had moved past it all. We talked for a while and caught up on times. He proceeded to tell me that he and his wife had separated and were in the process of a divorce. They had 2 girls together, but just couldn't make the marriage work. It happens right?? So I gave him the sorry to hear that speech and thought nothing more of it. I learned my lesson from Four. Regardless of what caused the separation or divorce, you DO NOT want to be the first girl they are with after. Nine didn't have the same idea. He pursued me....relentlessly. He would call all the time, drop by my work, my house. Constantly want to "hang out" I kept telling him that I wasn't in that place with him, but he said he wouldn't give up so easily. I even went to the extent of spending "time" with his HOT best friend, thinking that would make him not want to be with me. It made it worse. He said he was so jealous that I was with him that it made him realize how much he really wanted to be with me. So after months of his pursuit, and the finalization of his divorce, I gave in. I started dating Nine again and fell completely in love with him and his girls. I spent as much time as I could with him and when he had the girls I would spend time with all of them. We went to movies together, the park to play, I even picked them up from the ex-wife and watched them on my own until Nine could get off work. We were "together" for over a year. When I say "together" I mean we were in a relationship with out the title. He would never call me his girlfriend. He would tell me how much he loved being with me, how much he enjoyed spending time with me, how much he loved the way I was with his girls, but anytime I was introduced to anyone it was this is my "friend". We had a physical relationship too. One night I was over at his house with them and we were reading the girls a story. We were all laying on the bed and it hit me. I was so in love with him, but more importantly I was in love with the whole idea of being with him and being a step mom to those girls. I wanted more than anything to be in their lives forever. So I did the only thing I could. I gave him the 'I love you and want to be with you forever' speech. BIG MISTAKE! That turned into a whole conversation about how he wasn't ready to commit to one person again. He loved me, wanted to be with me, just couldn't do the whole marriage thing again. I tried to convince him that I didn't propose to him, I just wanted him to know how I felt. Still, damage was done. We stayed 'together' for another 6 months being the same. Then he one day informed me that he was moving to a town that was about 1 1/2 hour away to work. He felt like he couldn't make a good living here, so he thought this would be best. He would come home on weekends and we would be together. But I soon realized that I had become more of a babysitter to him than a girlfriend. We would still kiss, snuggle, hang out together, but it was never alone. The only time he wanted to hang out with me was when he was with his girls. Which I loved, they had become like my own, but I had become a convenience to him. Nothing more.
I stayed in that situation for another 6 months because I couldn't imagine my life without any of them. I stayed until one night I realized that I would never be put ahead of his ex wife. He tried to tell me over and over that he wasn't in love with her anymore. But I knew better. It was always about her. They would talk all the time. When ever she would call he would drop whatever he was doing and tend to her. I knew and thought that his girls should of course come first with him, but I refused to be 2nd best to his ex. She'd moved on. Met and fell in love with another guy. But he couldn't let her go. So the night I let myself finally feel what I had known all along. I stood on his porch and confessed it all to him. Told him that I was completely in love with him, that I was ready to be with him and his girls forever, told him that there had never been anyone else who had ever looked at me the way he did, treated me with such kindness and adoration as he did. Told him that I wanted a life with him, I would move to be with him more if he wanted. I just keep confessing my undying devotion to him and he just stood there. Said nothing for the longest time, then finally said that he was sorry, but he just wasn't there yet.
HE WASN'T THERE YET!!! I'd spent 2 years with him and HE wasn't there yet. I stepped back, wiped the tears from my eyes, put my hand to his check like I always did, told him I loved him, and walked away.
It's been a little over a year since that night and I miss him everyday. I think about him everyday. Not everyday all day, but everyday. I stayed away as much as I could, he would call still come by, couldn't understand why we couldn't be friends. He would tell me how much he missed me and how hard it was for him to not be around me. I tried to tell him to give me time and that eventually I might be able to go back to that. I knew I never could, but I also could not imagine my life without him in it.
What I thank him for: Nine was the only guy I'd ever been with that made me feel as beautiful as he said I was. He never made me feel like I wasn't enough. He blamed himself for everything, he always told me that if he could, he'd be with me. I always felt special with him.
What I learned from him: If someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you. When someone leaves you but yet claims to miss you, of course they miss you... you are probably a miss able person, but THEY are choosing everyday to not be with you. There is a big difference in being the love of someones life or being a life support for them. I held his hand through a painful separation, all I was to him was a friend he could kiss, hug, hang out with who was good to his girls. all I was to him was that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)