To be honest, there were a few of those that I didn't think that I'd survive the heartbreak. I truly thought that I would never recover from them and that I would be hard, and completely against any type of "love" again. But I'd pick myself up and wipe off the hurt and get back on the horse so to speak. That was until I realized that I'd relied on the next guy to pick me up, the hurt never comes off completely and I was beating a dead horse. I jumped from relationship to relationship expecting them to make it better for me. Thinking that if I just found "the one" that everything would just fall into place. Well what if one of them was "the one" and I was too broken to see it. Now what? Is there more than just one person for everyone and if there is am I going to be their "one"?? I keep telling myself that I have to make me better before I can expect someone to stay around for the finale. It's true, no one can "make" you happy you do have to do that for your self, but tell me how you get to be happy when you can't even breath without him. I know who my "one true thing" is. I had him, for a while anyway, but like all the others he left, cause that's what they do, they leave and they make you think that for a while it's for your benefit, that they are the ones who are screwed up and not worthy of what you bring to the table. But that's just a load of crap. They leave because they are too damn scared to live. They have settled for what they believe is their life and regardless of what you give to them, it's not enough to rock the boat and see if it could get any better. He was my best friend, he was the love of my life, my soul mate, the one person I truly, honestly and completely loved with everything I had and he left anyway. He left because he "wasn't ready" or "he had no choice" that his life was just complicated. I swear I heard that so many times that if someone used the word complicated in a sentence non-relating I'd still vomit in my mouth. "It's complicated" well no shit Sherlock. If it weren't than it wouldn't be life. Right?? Nothing comes easy, there is never a quick fix to any thing, life is hard and sometimes it sucks and sometimes you have to hurt the people you care about, but I don't think that means you should settle for the present because you are scared of the future. Take a damn chance, believe that no matter what the situation is, that it can be better and those involved will maybe be wounded for a while, but wounds heal. Life is too damn short to settle. I try to convince my family of that, and that it very well may be the reason that I'm still single and have really no desire to date random guys in the hopes that one will stand out. I know who I love, I know who I want to be with forever. I use to think that I would rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right. But I would rather be right. I would rather be alone than try and convince myself that there is someone else out there for me. I know I can't be with him, I know that he's moved on and that for what he believes are good reasons he won't change his situation. Is is wrong of me to want him too? Of course. But it was wrong of me love him in the first place. I tried to fight it in the beginning. I knew it would end bad. I knew that no matter how I felt or even how he felt about me, he couldn't be with me the way I wanted, but I did it anyway. I fell 100% in love with him.



And now.....well now I'm just trying to remind myself to live. To wake up every morning, breath in and out, and live. I keep thinking that there is no way that I can keep living without him, I keep trying to convince myself that it's been long enough, that he was never really "mine" to start with and that I have to just get on with it and get over it. So why is it that the thought of being with anyone but him literaly makes my chest hurt and I know that nothing will ever be right without him. I see his face everywhere, I see those blue eyes, those eyes that could level me without even trying. I hear his voice; sometimes singing some stupid song usually making fun of something I just said or my taste in music and I know it's crazy but I swear I still smell him on my pillow. I wash it, I've washed it a million times since he last laid on it, but my mind....well my mind tells me it's his smell. I just wait for the day that he comes to my door, tells me how dumb he was and how silly it's been that we've been apart. He takes me in his arms, tells me there is no one else out there for him and that he loves me. He doesn't care how long it takes for me to forgive his leaving, he will wait, and he will make it up to me everyday that I will allow him to. He keeps me in his arms and never again lets me go. I can't believe how easily I forgive him, I mean he left, he moved on like I meant nothing, he left me shattered and in the type of pain that no amount of medication, or crying, or drinking will numb it. I should be furious, I should be I know. But I can't. I love this man, I have dreamed of the day that I hear him say, "it's you....it's always been you"



People say 'time heals all wounds' I know that's true, I've been wounded before but this is different, it's not something that can be bandaged and eventually it's just better. I am broken, so beyond broken that it's hard to breath. I miss my friend, I miss his laugh, I miss the way he says my name when I've said something he doesn't like, I miss the sound of his voice when he's telling me a story. I think about him everyday...all day... I miss him.

What really hurts the most is that I came so close to having it. I almost had what everyone around me has.....someone.