It's been a while since I've written. Not because there wasn't anything to write about. I wish I were that lucky to only have the story of TEN to write about. Truth is I have a few more that could easily provide quality entertainment. Truth is I'm in love. I'm in 100% old fashioned, head over heals in love with someone. But I can't talk about it, I can't let anyone know about it because it's....well....complicated. It's someone I have no business loving. Someone I have no right to want to be with. Someone that if it got out, lives would be ruined, hearts would be broken, the world as I know it would change forever. I'm not suppose to love this person. I'm not suppose to think about them, want them, wish that everyday I could just be with them. It started as a friendship, it started as somone I could talk to about anything and they just got it. It started as well....a joke. We talked, we talked everyday. We talked about anything and everything. We supported each other in life, love, or lack of, work problems, life problems, family problems. There wasn't anything off limit. It was friendship of the truest form. Then one day it just changed. I woke up and realized that I loved this person more than anything or anyone. I was complete, I was happy and all because this person was in my life and knew everything about me. good and bad. and still wanted to be with me. But we can't. We can't be together because of a number of things.

So ten... ok the best way to explain ten is this:
You know the sticker in rear view mirrors that say "objects in mirror are closer than they appear?" Well Ten should have to wear a sticker that says "object is NOT what it appears!"

Ok...truth...I've been having a hard time trying to figure out how to talk about Nine. So when I say that Nine was my "one" there could be a million different definitions to what I mean. The "one" that got away. The "one" that I will love no matter what. The only "one" that I really loved. The "one" that broke my heart into a million pieces. The "one" that I will forever and always want in my life. The "one" that is undoubtedly the "one" that ruined me for the rest of them. The "one" that if I could I would change everything about the way I did things with him. The "one" that sometimes I feel caused more damage to my heart and soul then all the others combined. The "one" that for good and bad changed my life....forever.


Truth is, he was all of those in one way or another.


So Nine I met just shortly after I recovered from Two. Nine had just gotten home from time spent in a foreign country. He was part of the family that owned the restaurant that I had worked in through out college. He was cute, sweet, and so funny. But I wasn't looking for anything particular, I was still recovering from Two and had rebounded with a few other guys but my head and my heart were not anywhere close to being on the same page about love or relationships. Nine and I started becoming friends when he would come into the restaurant. All the other girls would tease me when he would leave because of how "affectionate" he was to me while he was there. In fact a few of them called him my puppy. Said that he followed me around like one and he hung on every word I would say. We eventually flirted our way into a first date. We went to a movie then he took me up to hill that had an amazing view of the city, we got out of the car and went and sat down on these rocks and just sat there and talked for hours. Nine was suppose to sing at a friends wedding that weekend and he was nervous about the song that he picked so I told him to practice on me and I'd be honest about it. He started to sing and OMH I was blown away. He has an amazing voice and I know the song wasn't written for me, but the way he sang it to me that night I would have never known. We ended up kissing that night and just like his song, his lips I swore were made just for me! We became a couple and we were a perfect match. He was amazingly sweet. I had so much fun with him, we laughed all the time. And when that boy turned on the charm and romance, watch out...it was hot. So we had this picture perfect relationship but there was always something missing. It was almost like the timing was just off, we dated for 5 months then for whatever reason I decided to move up north. So I did with the thought that we'd still see each other on weekends and that if it was "meant to be" it would work. So that lasted about 2 weekends then we broke up. But it wasn't a devastating, I hate your guts kind of break up. We were both fine about it, I was sad, but more for the fact that I felt like I was loosing my best friend more than anything. We vowed to stay friends and not let it get weird between us. I mean I had moved, he wasn't looking for marriage, we were better as friends than anything, so why wouldn't it work? Well within the year Nine had met and fell head over heals for this girl and married her. So not that he wasn't looking for marriage, he just wasn't looking for marriage with me.

Fast forward 8 years, 6 "relationships" later and I was back in town after having moved a few times and gone through a few bad things. I was at work and in walks Nine. I was so excited to see him cause it had been so long and of course I had moved past it all. We talked for a while and caught up on times. He proceeded to tell me that he and his wife had separated and were in the process of a divorce. They had 2 girls together, but just couldn't make the marriage work. It happens right?? So I gave him the sorry to hear that speech and thought nothing more of it. I learned my lesson from Four. Regardless of what caused the separation or divorce, you DO NOT want to be the first girl they are with after. Nine didn't have the same idea. He pursued me....relentlessly. He would call all the time, drop by my work, my house. Constantly want to "hang out" I kept telling him that I wasn't in that place with him, but he said he wouldn't give up so easily. I even went to the extent of spending "time" with his HOT best friend, thinking that would make him not want to be with me. It made it worse. He said he was so jealous that I was with him that it made him realize how much he really wanted to be with me. So after months of his pursuit, and the finalization of his divorce, I gave in. I started dating Nine again and fell completely in love with him and his girls. I spent as much time as I could with him and when he had the girls I would spend time with all of them. We went to movies together, the park to play, I even picked them up from the ex-wife and watched them on my own until Nine could get off work. We were "together" for over a year. When I say "together" I mean we were in a relationship with out the title. He would never call me his girlfriend. He would tell me how much he loved being with me, how much he enjoyed spending time with me, how much he loved the way I was with his girls, but anytime I was introduced to anyone it was this is my "friend". We had a physical relationship too. One night I was over at his house with them and we were reading the girls a story. We were all laying on the bed and it hit me. I was so in love with him, but more importantly I was in love with the whole idea of being with him and being a step mom to those girls. I wanted more than anything to be in their lives forever. So I did the only thing I could. I gave him the 'I love you and want to be with you forever' speech. BIG MISTAKE! That turned into a whole conversation about how he wasn't ready to commit to one person again. He loved me, wanted to be with me, just couldn't do the whole marriage thing again. I tried to convince him that I didn't propose to him, I just wanted him to know how I felt. Still, damage was done. We stayed 'together' for another 6 months being the same. Then he one day informed me that he was moving to a town that was about 1 1/2 hour away to work. He felt like he couldn't make a good living here, so he thought this would be best. He would come home on weekends and we would be together. But I soon realized that I had become more of a babysitter to him than a girlfriend. We would still kiss, snuggle, hang out together, but it was never alone. The only time he wanted to hang out with me was when he was with his girls. Which I loved, they had become like my own, but I had become a convenience to him. Nothing more.
I stayed in that situation for another 6 months because I couldn't imagine my life without any of them. I stayed until one night I realized that I would never be put ahead of his ex wife. He tried to tell me over and over that he wasn't in love with her anymore. But I knew better. It was always about her. They would talk all the time. When ever she would call he would drop whatever he was doing and tend to her. I knew and thought that his girls should of course come first with him, but I refused to be 2nd best to his ex. She'd moved on. Met and fell in love with another guy. But he couldn't let her go. So the night I let myself finally feel what I had known all along. I stood on his porch and confessed it all to him. Told him that I was completely in love with him, that I was ready to be with him and his girls forever, told him that there had never been anyone else who had ever looked at me the way he did, treated me with such kindness and adoration as he did. Told him that I wanted a life with him, I would move to be with him more if he wanted. I just keep confessing my undying devotion to him and he just stood there. Said nothing for the longest time, then finally said that he was sorry, but he just wasn't there yet.
HE WASN'T THERE YET!!! I'd spent 2 years with him and HE wasn't there yet. I stepped back, wiped the tears from my eyes, put my hand to his check like I always did, told him I loved him, and walked away.
It's been a little over a year since that night and I miss him everyday. I think about him everyday. Not everyday all day, but everyday. I stayed away as much as I could, he would call still come by, couldn't understand why we couldn't be friends. He would tell me how much he missed me and how hard it was for him to not be around me. I tried to tell him to give me time and that eventually I might be able to go back to that. I knew I never could, but I also could not imagine my life without him in it.
What I thank him for: Nine was the only guy I'd ever been with that made me feel as beautiful as he said I was. He never made me feel like I wasn't enough. He blamed himself for everything, he always told me that if he could, he'd be with me. I always felt special with him.
What I learned from him: If someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you. When someone leaves you but yet claims to miss you, of course they miss you... you are probably a miss able person, but THEY are choosing everyday to not be with you. There is a big difference in being the love of someones life or being a life support for them. I held his hand through a painful separation, all I was to him was a friend he could kiss, hug, hang out with who was good to his girls. all I was to him was that.

Ok so I know what your thinking....ex con??? Seriously??? But everyone makes mistakes right?? Who am I to judge. I did "stuff" in college, he was just stupid enough to get caught. He served 14 months in jail and was "redeemed". I met Eight through mutual friends. I was instantly attracted to him. He was SEXY as hell, he had these blue eyes that could seriously level you, he had this smile that could literally make your knees week and your heart face and there were times that it could just......well you get the point. Not to mention that Eight had a rockin hot body. Ok but all looks aside, he was funny, he was sweet, and he was humble. On our first date we ended up ended realizing how much we had in common, we talked for hours, when the night started ending I didn't want to leave him. He walked me to my car and we stood there talking for a little while. I couldn't help it. I just attacked him. We did a little kissin, but I was trying not to make the same mistakes that I had done in the past and let it all be about the physical. He asked for my number and promised he wouldn't do the normal wait for 4 days to call guy thing. I laughed, and honestly expected him to do so. The next day I got a hilarious voice-mail message from him. So we hung out that night, the next night, the night after that. We dated for months and everyday I spent with him I found more to like. He told me all about the past, he'd been married, has two boys that live with his ex wife and he doesn't get to see them all that often, but he misses them. He told me about prison and what he did to go there. He told me how much he regretted loosing everything for nothing. Eight and I were so connected, so addicted to each other that we spent all our free time together. I screwed up though, I pushed him into meeting my family, I pushed the religion thing on him because I was in a place in my life that I had 'returned' to the church and was committed to making it part of my life. He eventually got scared and we broke up. I missed him, I missed laughing with him, I missed just laying in his arms, those big, muscular, beautiful.big....wow....sorry kind of got lost there for a second. Anyway, we spent about 8 months apart and then we ran into each other one day. He was different, different in a way that at the time I couldn't really identify. We picked up right where we left off. This time I left out family, I left out religion, relationship talk, anything that would scare him off. For one thing I wasn't in that place with him, or at least I tried to tell myself that I wasn't, I knew that a life with Eight would never be what I needed or without sounding like a bitch what I deserved. I think that I just missed how he made me feel. Eight had the ability to make me just forget. Forget about everything and just live in that moment. I didn't feel like I had to impress him, I didn't feel like I had to be someone else for him to love me. It was funny, the night he told me he loved me he said the reason he fell for me was because of how I made him feel. He said that I was the only person whom he truly believed didn't judge him for what he'd done. He said that I made him want to be a better person. I hated that line, Seven used that line on me about the girl he left me for. "she makes me want to be a better person" like I made him want to be a bad one???
Eight and I kept up our relationship for about 5 months, then he went to his home town for the holidays and on the way back stopped at his ex wife's house to see his boys. One thing led to another and he ended up sleeping with her. (this I found out months later) He came back and was distant, he was on edge and every time I tried to find out what was wrong he would tell me it was nothing, but it was. It was classic guilt but I didn't know it at the time. He eventually faded completely and the harder I tried the further it pushed him away. He told me one night that he didn't feel like he was enough for me and that he knew my life would be be better off without him. He left town in the middle of the night and didn't even say goodbye. I went over to his house to try one more time and he was gone. I heard that he eventually got married and that he started parting again, but that was just what I'd heard, who knows if it was true.
What I thank Eight for was making me realize that I was better than what I was being. He made me realize that I deserved better than what he'd given me and that I was the only one who could make that happen. I wanted to hate Eight for what he'd done, but I couldn't. He had demons, he fought them everyday. I knew that. I had skeletons of my own, I just never let them affect the way I felt about him. He did.
LESSON LEARNED: Some times people believe what everyone else tells them. Sometimes when someone tells you that they aren't good enough for you, maybe they aren't. It's ok not to judge people for their pasts, but it's not ok to be oblivious to it either. I believe in change, I do, but I overlooked so many signs because I was trying to believe that if I believed in him enough, I could make it better for him. You control your own thoughts, feelings, actions. No one can make you a better person, you have to do that on your own.

Seven I actually met when I was 18 and had just moved down to go to college. He asked me out on a date and it was the most surreal date I've ever been on. We went to a concert in the park, then we went for ice cream and talked for hours. He was sweet, cute, but there was no real spark at that time. We stayed friends over the years he had been going to school up north for a while when he moved back home he came into where I worked and we started talking again. He would come in a few times a week, he actually worked across the street from me and so I would see him often. We flirted every time we saw each other but he wouldn't ever ask me out and I wasn't about to be the first one. So we kept flirting.....for months.....just flirting. It was just about old when he finally one day asked me to go to a movie with him. It was a start I told myself. Yeah, it was the start of a 2 year merry-go-round with us. We 'hung out' a few times a week, doing everything from just talking, watching or going to a movie, listening to music, he tried to teach me how to skim board, but with my grace or lack of I guess it was a disaster. I actually ended up moving around the corner from him and we were basically in the same world we had most of the same friends, we attended the same church, we were basically dating without the title of boyfriend / girlfriend. One night he asked me to go to a movie with him so we did, then he went back to his house and got his guitar and a blanket, took me to the park, laid out the blanket and started playing me music. He played and sang some songs that he'd written, he played a few more known songs, then he asked me what my favorite song was. I said "jet plane" by John Denver. He didn't know that one, but he did know "you feel up my senses" so he played and sang that. Something happened to me while he was singing that song. He was looking at me with this look like I was the only girl he saw or wanted to see for the rest of his life. He had a way of doing that, making you feel like you were special and there was no where else in the world he wanted to be than right there with you. We ended up kissing for the first time that night and all I'm gonna say is WOW! So like I said it was a merry-go-round because Seven couldn't ever 'make the commitment' not even the marriage commitment, the whole relationship on any level was too much for him. I stayed patient, we kept 'hanging out' then one day he tells me that he's moving away. He feels that he can't make a living here doing what he loves and he has the opportunity to do it in another state. I was floored, surprised, devastated. I even asked him to not go. But he did. We stayed in touch I even went to visit him for a weekend. I stayed at his house, we went for a walk on the beach, held hands, went to an amusement park and had so much fun. We spent the weekend being 'together' like a couple. Then I went back home and he stayed there. Eventually he moved back and we picked up where we left off. Hanging, but not to be confused with dating. It had been two years and I was getting frustrated. I wanted a commitment, I wanted to be with Seven. I had convinced myself that I could love him and that we were meant to be together. I tried to talk to Seven a few times about our "status" and he would always just say that there is no reason to label it. He had a hard time making the commitment, but it didn't mean he didn't care about me and love being with me. He would tell me to relax and be patient, time would tell. He came with me to my home town with me to attend my High School reunion, he spent the weekend at my parents house with me and charmed the pants off everyone. My whole family was rooting for us. So my family was having this big new years eve party and I had asked Seven to come to it with me. He agreed and we had it all planned until 2 days before he tells me that he can't come because he's going to work that night instead. I was furious. He told me to just come with him so we could still spend New Years together, but I wasn't about to let him off the hook. I mean, we weren't a 'couple' but that was only the title, everything else about our relationship screamed that we were. So I let my stubborn pride get in the way and I didn't go be with him that night. BIG BIG BIG mistake. He met and fell instantly for another girl. He started becoming distant from me and wasn't available to hang out much anymore. Two months later he comes to my house, watches the movie The Notebook with me, then proceeds to tell me that he is in love. He's never felt this way about anyone...ever and he wants to try and make a relationship with her work. 3 months later he was engaged to be married, 2 months later married. Commitment phobic my ass!
What I thank him for is setting the standard for being romanced. Say what you will but a guy that will lay a blanket down, play his guitar and sing "you feel up my senses" is a romantic. I tried so hard to hate Seven after he went to be with her, but I couldn't. He never promised me forever, he never even called me his girlfriend. All I was was a friend that he kissed every once in a while. So I couldn't hate him.
LESSON LEARNED: When a guy strings you along for over 6 months. RUN....RUN....RUN. When he does it for 2 years... well that just stupid on your part. When a guy tells you he's afraid of commitment he only means that he's afraid of a commitment with you.

Six I met when I interviewed him for a job. Right away I knew we'd be friends for life. He started working for me and we developed a great friendship. He'd just moved here from another state where he'd grown up. I never did find out why he moved, but he was living with his brother in a near by town and I was really glad he was there. He and I worked together for a little over a year and I had developed a crush on him. He is an amazing person, FUNNY, sweet, not shabby on the eyes, and we just clicked, but he was always harboring feeling for a girl he referred to as Hot E. She was from his home town and I think he's been in-love with her for the majority of his life. When Six told me he was moving back to his home town I was devastated.. I wanted him to stay.. I was never in LOVE with Six, but I absolutely adored him and my crush for him allowed me not to get into a relationship with anyone else, therefore avoiding more pain. He moved and I cried. We talked everyday on the phone, he was my go-to guy. Anything that went good or bad in my life Six was the first to know. He had great advice, he would tell me how it was, and most of all I could be "crazy" around him and he didn't judge. Six had planned a trip to the Beach and called and asked if I wanted to go. I was trilled, but I couldn't figure out if I was more excited to go to the beach.....or spend a whole week with him. I ended up driving to the Beach and Six and another friend of his drove with me. We had so much fun, we talked, we laughed, or we could just sit there and not speak and it was ok. I was more comfortable with Six than any other human being. The Beach house we stayed in was amazing, there was a group of us so it was easy to hang and just chill. I ended up sharing a room with Six, we had a big king bed and at first I thought it would be awkward sleeping in the same bed until the first night we were there and Six told me he felt closer to me than his own sisters! AAAARRRRGGGG I was like a SISTER to him. That is worse than just being put in the friend zone. At least in the friend zone there is a small, mute chance of ever getting out. But the 'sister zone' you are screwed! You will never get out! Six had dated Hot E a little when he moved back but for whatever reason she wasn't into him. He was heartbroken. He would sit and talk to me about her and I had the hardest time not calling her and saying "are you stupid. This man is amazing and he is in love with you." But I didn't because maybe deep down I was still hoping that one day he might feel that way about me. Well about 6 months later I get a phone call from Six telling me that he was getting married....to Hot E. I got off the phone and was ready to break down...but I realized that my feeling for Six were a guard, a front if you will to protect my heart from anyone else. I was actually happy for Six. He got his dream girl, he got his "one true love". I ended up going to their wedding and met Hot E for the first time. She was perfect for him. Everything I in visioned she would have to have because of how amazing he was. The second I saw his face when she started down the isle, I knew he was where and with whom he was meant for. I eventually ended up becoming friends with E. I adore her as much as Six and one day really hope to have that kind of relationship.
What I thank Six for is always letting me be me. Never making me feel like I wasn't worthy of the very best. He always said If I tried to settle for anything less than that, he wouldn't allow it. He will forever and always be my soul-mate. I know that people say you have to have the "love" to have a soul mate, but Six and I had better than "love" we had respect, we have true friendship.
What I learned: That you really can get who you want. He never gave up on E, even though there were times he was beyond wounded by her. He always knew that they were meant for each other and he never surrendered that. That I am blessed that I was able to have that one person in my life that I know I can always count on. I learned that happily ever after can happen. E got her prince, maybe mine isn't dead after all!!!

Five I met when I moved to Oscar for the summer. He is my bestfriend B's cousin and is 6 years younger than me. The first time I met him I thought he was adorable, he was so shy and quiet until he feels comfortable around you, then he opens up. At first Five was just fun to flirt with and mess with. I never in a million had any intentions of being anything more than a friend of his. He was from a small town close to Oscar and there really wasn't a lot to do. Five had a friend that was IN LOVE with B so they always made sure they were around when we were. It eventually came out that Five had developed a small crush on me as well which made sense as to why every time I came in a room he would literally light up. I swear there was a time when Five really thought the sun rose and shined just for me. It was sweet and adorable. One night after quite a dry spell B and I decided that it would be OK if we just did a little kissin with the boys even though they were younger than us, no one would have to know and nothing else would come of it. So we planned this little "drive" up to a cave and asked the boys if they'd go with us cause we really didn't know where we were going. They of course were delighted to be our tour guides. What I failed to mention was about a month before I'd moved to Oscar Five was in a very serious car accident and had broken his hip, tailbone, and had a compound fracture in his femur. He was limited in what he could do and I felt so bad for him, I'd make as much time as I could for him and hang out watching movies or just talking to him. I loved the attention he gave me. I loved the way he looked at me. So the night at the cave B and her boy decided to get out and look around and because Five couldn't walk all that well yet we just stayed in the truck and listened to music. One thing led to another and we started kissing. He was so sweet, so affectionate. He kept telling me how beautiful he thought I was and how he'd wanted to kiss me since the first day he saw me. I felt bad, I didn't want to lead him on, but the attention was nice. We hung out a few times after that and then I met Four. So after Four I was devastated, beyond broken, but I needed something. I needed to feel like what Four did wasn't about me. B and her boy had continued their relationship and so he would come up north and spend some time with her. Five decided to come with him one weekend and I ended up needing him. So if you want to say that I used Five and made him my rebound, at that point in our relationship you would be right. But that "rebound" relationship lasted 2 years. I stayed with Five because of who he was in the beginning. But during the course of our relationship we both changed. He was different, I was different. I think we cared about each other, but there was definitely no love involved. He didn't know how to be a boyfriend, and I didn't know how to not have one. I know that doesn't make any sense, but he was safe to be with because I knew he didn't love me and I didn't or couldn't love him. There were times that were really good and fun, but there were also some really bad times and Five could be an ass when he wanted to. I stayed with Five for that long because I was so afraid to be with anyone else that could hurt me. I did not want to feel anything that would eventually cause heartbreak. Eventually I recovered from Four and realized that my relationship with Five was an emotional cover. Five and I ended our relationship but what was tragic about it, our friendship ended too. There was no going back to the beginning. No going back to the people that spent that first night talking for hours and laughing so hard our stomachs hurt. I was never able to look at Five and see who he first saw in me. The sun no longer rose or shined when I walked into a room for Five and we both knew it.
What I thank Five for is the boy he was in the beginning, the friends and family that I got close to because of him, he was the reason my best friend B met and fell in love with her now husband and father of her two beautiful kids. Five made me forget about Four every once in a while, and I think without having Five there, my heart would have never mended.
LESSON LEARNED: Rebounds should never be anything more than a few good times. Don't use a person to get over someone else, in the end it's not fair to either of you. And if you find yourself the REBOUND girl for a guy RUN....RUN AWAY. It will never end in your favor!
Take time when you get your heart broke. Time really does heal all wounds, or at least masks the pain for a while.