To be honest, there were a few of those that I didn't think that I'd survive the heartbreak. I truly thought that I would never recover from them and that I would be hard, and completely against any type of "love" again. But I'd pick myself up and wipe off the hurt and get back on the horse so to speak. That was until I realized that I'd relied on the next guy to pick me up, the hurt never comes off completely and I was beating a dead horse. I jumped from relationship to relationship expecting them to make it better for me. Thinking that if I just found "the one" that everything would just fall into place. Well what if one of them was "the one" and I was too broken to see it. Now what? Is there more than just one person for everyone and if there is am I going to be their "one"?? I keep telling myself that I have to make me better before I can expect someone to stay around for the finale. It's true, no one can "make" you happy you do have to do that for your self, but tell me how you get to be happy when you can't even breath without him. I know who my "one true thing" is. I had him, for a while anyway, but like all the others he left, cause that's what they do, they leave and they make you think that for a while it's for your benefit, that they are the ones who are screwed up and not worthy of what you bring to the table. But that's just a load of crap. They leave because they are too damn scared to live. They have settled for what they believe is their life and regardless of what you give to them, it's not enough to rock the boat and see if it could get any better. He was my best friend, he was the love of my life, my soul mate, the one person I truly, honestly and completely loved with everything I had and he left anyway. He left because he "wasn't ready" or "he had no choice" that his life was just complicated. I swear I heard that so many times that if someone used the word complicated in a sentence non-relating I'd still vomit in my mouth. "It's complicated" well no shit Sherlock. If it weren't than it wouldn't be life. Right?? Nothing comes easy, there is never a quick fix to any thing, life is hard and sometimes it sucks and sometimes you have to hurt the people you care about, but I don't think that means you should settle for the present because you are scared of the future. Take a damn chance, believe that no matter what the situation is, that it can be better and those involved will maybe be wounded for a while, but wounds heal. Life is too damn short to settle. I try to convince my family of that, and that it very well may be the reason that I'm still single and have really no desire to date random guys in the hopes that one will stand out. I know who I love, I know who I want to be with forever. I use to think that I would rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right. But I would rather be right. I would rather be alone than try and convince myself that there is someone else out there for me. I know I can't be with him, I know that he's moved on and that for what he believes are good reasons he won't change his situation. Is is wrong of me to want him too? Of course. But it was wrong of me love him in the first place. I tried to fight it in the beginning. I knew it would end bad. I knew that no matter how I felt or even how he felt about me, he couldn't be with me the way I wanted, but I did it anyway. I fell 100% in love with him.



And now.....well now I'm just trying to remind myself to live. To wake up every morning, breath in and out, and live. I keep thinking that there is no way that I can keep living without him, I keep trying to convince myself that it's been long enough, that he was never really "mine" to start with and that I have to just get on with it and get over it. So why is it that the thought of being with anyone but him literaly makes my chest hurt and I know that nothing will ever be right without him. I see his face everywhere, I see those blue eyes, those eyes that could level me without even trying. I hear his voice; sometimes singing some stupid song usually making fun of something I just said or my taste in music and I know it's crazy but I swear I still smell him on my pillow. I wash it, I've washed it a million times since he last laid on it, but my mind....well my mind tells me it's his smell. I just wait for the day that he comes to my door, tells me how dumb he was and how silly it's been that we've been apart. He takes me in his arms, tells me there is no one else out there for him and that he loves me. He doesn't care how long it takes for me to forgive his leaving, he will wait, and he will make it up to me everyday that I will allow him to. He keeps me in his arms and never again lets me go. I can't believe how easily I forgive him, I mean he left, he moved on like I meant nothing, he left me shattered and in the type of pain that no amount of medication, or crying, or drinking will numb it. I should be furious, I should be I know. But I can't. I love this man, I have dreamed of the day that I hear him say, "it's you....it's always been you"



People say 'time heals all wounds' I know that's true, I've been wounded before but this is different, it's not something that can be bandaged and eventually it's just better. I am broken, so beyond broken that it's hard to breath. I miss my friend, I miss his laugh, I miss the way he says my name when I've said something he doesn't like, I miss the sound of his voice when he's telling me a story. I think about him everyday...all day... I miss him.

What really hurts the most is that I came so close to having it. I almost had what everyone around me has.....someone.

Do you ever wake up and think 'that was a horrible nightmare and I'm so glad it's over'

and then you realize that the nightmare you are referring to is your life and that it's not over, you finally just woke up and realized that you've just waisted so much time and effort on the wrong person?

But what's worse is you woke up and you feel nothing but broken but the person who finished you off is nothing more than a helpless victim in your pursuit of finding the one guy whom you thought could just fix it all for you. Or what's even more scary is the realization that you might just be unfixable.

I think the worst nightmare of all is that I waisted so much time on blaming them for not being enough, or blaming them for leaving when in fact I pushed them away with my unrealistic expectations of what relationship should be. No one could have lived up to those standards, no one can make you better. They can support you, they can help you through it, then can sit with you when you are knee deep in Kleenex and you can't really explain why you are crying but yet can't stop either. But they can't make it better for you. One day you just realize that you are the only one who can change your situation. You are the only one that can heal the wounds and let the past stay where it belongs. You are the only person who you can't forgive but you can't move forward until you do.

So I have to forgive myself for what I did to them and for what I allowed them to do to me.
Anyone know how????

Honestly looking back on all those relationships it's hard to believe that I used the term "love" so loosely. Truth is, I don't think I really knew what love was, until now. I use to think that there was a reason that all of these relationships "failed" that there was a bigger picture than what I could see. That my prince was going to come, he was. I deserved the same happiness as everyone else around me was getting. I wanted love, I wanted the husband and the kids and the white picket fence, but it never happened for me. They always left. People always leave...then one day after I stopped and took stock of my life and the bad decisions I'd made about some of them, and I realized that it wasn't that they always leave, it was that they always leave me. And I realized that I may never get my "fairytale" I may never have the happily ever after I just have to know that I did love, I did love someone with all of me and that regardless of what the situation was with him, I really want to believe that he loved me to. I've loved without reservations without guards without thought, it was reckless and I knew it I knew that my love for him would truly never be realized outside the walls of my own heart he was my person, my i can say anything and know it's OK person, my when I have a bad day just hearing his voice puts a smile on my face person. His touch, his smile, the look he would give me right before we'd kiss, sometimes he'd look in my eyes and I swear he saw it, he saw what I felt for him and then he'd grin, he'd grin like he knew it all along and felt the same for me. Everything about him was what I wanted, he was what and who I needed. But I had to let go, I had to put his happiness and what he needs ahead of my selfish "he should be with me" attitude. I was tired of convincing him that he should be with me, as much as I tried to convince myself that he was at times, he was never really mine to have. But I loved him, I was without a doubt hopefully and hopelessly in love with him.
It's all about timing. My life as crazy and as up and down as it's been it's always come back to timing. I guess I just needed a better watch!

It's been a while since I've written. Not because there wasn't anything to write about. I wish I were that lucky to only have the story of TEN to write about. Truth is I have a few more that could easily provide quality entertainment. Truth is I'm in love. I'm in 100% old fashioned, head over heals in love with someone. But I can't talk about it, I can't let anyone know about it because it's....well....complicated. It's someone I have no business loving. Someone I have no right to want to be with. Someone that if it got out, lives would be ruined, hearts would be broken, the world as I know it would change forever. I'm not suppose to love this person. I'm not suppose to think about them, want them, wish that everyday I could just be with them. It started as a friendship, it started as somone I could talk to about anything and they just got it. It started as well....a joke. We talked, we talked everyday. We talked about anything and everything. We supported each other in life, love, or lack of, work problems, life problems, family problems. There wasn't anything off limit. It was friendship of the truest form. Then one day it just changed. I woke up and realized that I loved this person more than anything or anyone. I was complete, I was happy and all because this person was in my life and knew everything about me. good and bad. and still wanted to be with me. But we can't. We can't be together because of a number of things.

So ten... ok the best way to explain ten is this:
You know the sticker in rear view mirrors that say "objects in mirror are closer than they appear?" Well Ten should have to wear a sticker that says "object is NOT what it appears!"

Ok...truth...I've been having a hard time trying to figure out how to talk about Nine. So when I say that Nine was my "one" there could be a million different definitions to what I mean. The "one" that got away. The "one" that I will love no matter what. The only "one" that I really loved. The "one" that broke my heart into a million pieces. The "one" that I will forever and always want in my life. The "one" that is undoubtedly the "one" that ruined me for the rest of them. The "one" that if I could I would change everything about the way I did things with him. The "one" that sometimes I feel caused more damage to my heart and soul then all the others combined. The "one" that for good and bad changed my life....forever.


Truth is, he was all of those in one way or another.


So Nine I met just shortly after I recovered from Two. Nine had just gotten home from time spent in a foreign country. He was part of the family that owned the restaurant that I had worked in through out college. He was cute, sweet, and so funny. But I wasn't looking for anything particular, I was still recovering from Two and had rebounded with a few other guys but my head and my heart were not anywhere close to being on the same page about love or relationships. Nine and I started becoming friends when he would come into the restaurant. All the other girls would tease me when he would leave because of how "affectionate" he was to me while he was there. In fact a few of them called him my puppy. Said that he followed me around like one and he hung on every word I would say. We eventually flirted our way into a first date. We went to a movie then he took me up to hill that had an amazing view of the city, we got out of the car and went and sat down on these rocks and just sat there and talked for hours. Nine was suppose to sing at a friends wedding that weekend and he was nervous about the song that he picked so I told him to practice on me and I'd be honest about it. He started to sing and OMH I was blown away. He has an amazing voice and I know the song wasn't written for me, but the way he sang it to me that night I would have never known. We ended up kissing that night and just like his song, his lips I swore were made just for me! We became a couple and we were a perfect match. He was amazingly sweet. I had so much fun with him, we laughed all the time. And when that boy turned on the charm and romance, watch out...it was hot. So we had this picture perfect relationship but there was always something missing. It was almost like the timing was just off, we dated for 5 months then for whatever reason I decided to move up north. So I did with the thought that we'd still see each other on weekends and that if it was "meant to be" it would work. So that lasted about 2 weekends then we broke up. But it wasn't a devastating, I hate your guts kind of break up. We were both fine about it, I was sad, but more for the fact that I felt like I was loosing my best friend more than anything. We vowed to stay friends and not let it get weird between us. I mean I had moved, he wasn't looking for marriage, we were better as friends than anything, so why wouldn't it work? Well within the year Nine had met and fell head over heals for this girl and married her. So not that he wasn't looking for marriage, he just wasn't looking for marriage with me.

Fast forward 8 years, 6 "relationships" later and I was back in town after having moved a few times and gone through a few bad things. I was at work and in walks Nine. I was so excited to see him cause it had been so long and of course I had moved past it all. We talked for a while and caught up on times. He proceeded to tell me that he and his wife had separated and were in the process of a divorce. They had 2 girls together, but just couldn't make the marriage work. It happens right?? So I gave him the sorry to hear that speech and thought nothing more of it. I learned my lesson from Four. Regardless of what caused the separation or divorce, you DO NOT want to be the first girl they are with after. Nine didn't have the same idea. He pursued me....relentlessly. He would call all the time, drop by my work, my house. Constantly want to "hang out" I kept telling him that I wasn't in that place with him, but he said he wouldn't give up so easily. I even went to the extent of spending "time" with his HOT best friend, thinking that would make him not want to be with me. It made it worse. He said he was so jealous that I was with him that it made him realize how much he really wanted to be with me. So after months of his pursuit, and the finalization of his divorce, I gave in. I started dating Nine again and fell completely in love with him and his girls. I spent as much time as I could with him and when he had the girls I would spend time with all of them. We went to movies together, the park to play, I even picked them up from the ex-wife and watched them on my own until Nine could get off work. We were "together" for over a year. When I say "together" I mean we were in a relationship with out the title. He would never call me his girlfriend. He would tell me how much he loved being with me, how much he enjoyed spending time with me, how much he loved the way I was with his girls, but anytime I was introduced to anyone it was this is my "friend". We had a physical relationship too. One night I was over at his house with them and we were reading the girls a story. We were all laying on the bed and it hit me. I was so in love with him, but more importantly I was in love with the whole idea of being with him and being a step mom to those girls. I wanted more than anything to be in their lives forever. So I did the only thing I could. I gave him the 'I love you and want to be with you forever' speech. BIG MISTAKE! That turned into a whole conversation about how he wasn't ready to commit to one person again. He loved me, wanted to be with me, just couldn't do the whole marriage thing again. I tried to convince him that I didn't propose to him, I just wanted him to know how I felt. Still, damage was done. We stayed 'together' for another 6 months being the same. Then he one day informed me that he was moving to a town that was about 1 1/2 hour away to work. He felt like he couldn't make a good living here, so he thought this would be best. He would come home on weekends and we would be together. But I soon realized that I had become more of a babysitter to him than a girlfriend. We would still kiss, snuggle, hang out together, but it was never alone. The only time he wanted to hang out with me was when he was with his girls. Which I loved, they had become like my own, but I had become a convenience to him. Nothing more.
I stayed in that situation for another 6 months because I couldn't imagine my life without any of them. I stayed until one night I realized that I would never be put ahead of his ex wife. He tried to tell me over and over that he wasn't in love with her anymore. But I knew better. It was always about her. They would talk all the time. When ever she would call he would drop whatever he was doing and tend to her. I knew and thought that his girls should of course come first with him, but I refused to be 2nd best to his ex. She'd moved on. Met and fell in love with another guy. But he couldn't let her go. So the night I let myself finally feel what I had known all along. I stood on his porch and confessed it all to him. Told him that I was completely in love with him, that I was ready to be with him and his girls forever, told him that there had never been anyone else who had ever looked at me the way he did, treated me with such kindness and adoration as he did. Told him that I wanted a life with him, I would move to be with him more if he wanted. I just keep confessing my undying devotion to him and he just stood there. Said nothing for the longest time, then finally said that he was sorry, but he just wasn't there yet.
HE WASN'T THERE YET!!! I'd spent 2 years with him and HE wasn't there yet. I stepped back, wiped the tears from my eyes, put my hand to his check like I always did, told him I loved him, and walked away.
It's been a little over a year since that night and I miss him everyday. I think about him everyday. Not everyday all day, but everyday. I stayed away as much as I could, he would call still come by, couldn't understand why we couldn't be friends. He would tell me how much he missed me and how hard it was for him to not be around me. I tried to tell him to give me time and that eventually I might be able to go back to that. I knew I never could, but I also could not imagine my life without him in it.
What I thank him for: Nine was the only guy I'd ever been with that made me feel as beautiful as he said I was. He never made me feel like I wasn't enough. He blamed himself for everything, he always told me that if he could, he'd be with me. I always felt special with him.
What I learned from him: If someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you. When someone leaves you but yet claims to miss you, of course they miss you... you are probably a miss able person, but THEY are choosing everyday to not be with you. There is a big difference in being the love of someones life or being a life support for them. I held his hand through a painful separation, all I was to him was a friend he could kiss, hug, hang out with who was good to his girls. all I was to him was that.

Ok so I know what your thinking....ex con??? Seriously??? But everyone makes mistakes right?? Who am I to judge. I did "stuff" in college, he was just stupid enough to get caught. He served 14 months in jail and was "redeemed". I met Eight through mutual friends. I was instantly attracted to him. He was SEXY as hell, he had these blue eyes that could seriously level you, he had this smile that could literally make your knees week and your heart face and there were times that it could just......well you get the point. Not to mention that Eight had a rockin hot body. Ok but all looks aside, he was funny, he was sweet, and he was humble. On our first date we ended up ended realizing how much we had in common, we talked for hours, when the night started ending I didn't want to leave him. He walked me to my car and we stood there talking for a little while. I couldn't help it. I just attacked him. We did a little kissin, but I was trying not to make the same mistakes that I had done in the past and let it all be about the physical. He asked for my number and promised he wouldn't do the normal wait for 4 days to call guy thing. I laughed, and honestly expected him to do so. The next day I got a hilarious voice-mail message from him. So we hung out that night, the next night, the night after that. We dated for months and everyday I spent with him I found more to like. He told me all about the past, he'd been married, has two boys that live with his ex wife and he doesn't get to see them all that often, but he misses them. He told me about prison and what he did to go there. He told me how much he regretted loosing everything for nothing. Eight and I were so connected, so addicted to each other that we spent all our free time together. I screwed up though, I pushed him into meeting my family, I pushed the religion thing on him because I was in a place in my life that I had 'returned' to the church and was committed to making it part of my life. He eventually got scared and we broke up. I missed him, I missed laughing with him, I missed just laying in his arms, those big, muscular, beautiful.big....wow....sorry kind of got lost there for a second. Anyway, we spent about 8 months apart and then we ran into each other one day. He was different, different in a way that at the time I couldn't really identify. We picked up right where we left off. This time I left out family, I left out religion, relationship talk, anything that would scare him off. For one thing I wasn't in that place with him, or at least I tried to tell myself that I wasn't, I knew that a life with Eight would never be what I needed or without sounding like a bitch what I deserved. I think that I just missed how he made me feel. Eight had the ability to make me just forget. Forget about everything and just live in that moment. I didn't feel like I had to impress him, I didn't feel like I had to be someone else for him to love me. It was funny, the night he told me he loved me he said the reason he fell for me was because of how I made him feel. He said that I was the only person whom he truly believed didn't judge him for what he'd done. He said that I made him want to be a better person. I hated that line, Seven used that line on me about the girl he left me for. "she makes me want to be a better person" like I made him want to be a bad one???
Eight and I kept up our relationship for about 5 months, then he went to his home town for the holidays and on the way back stopped at his ex wife's house to see his boys. One thing led to another and he ended up sleeping with her. (this I found out months later) He came back and was distant, he was on edge and every time I tried to find out what was wrong he would tell me it was nothing, but it was. It was classic guilt but I didn't know it at the time. He eventually faded completely and the harder I tried the further it pushed him away. He told me one night that he didn't feel like he was enough for me and that he knew my life would be be better off without him. He left town in the middle of the night and didn't even say goodbye. I went over to his house to try one more time and he was gone. I heard that he eventually got married and that he started parting again, but that was just what I'd heard, who knows if it was true.
What I thank Eight for was making me realize that I was better than what I was being. He made me realize that I deserved better than what he'd given me and that I was the only one who could make that happen. I wanted to hate Eight for what he'd done, but I couldn't. He had demons, he fought them everyday. I knew that. I had skeletons of my own, I just never let them affect the way I felt about him. He did.
LESSON LEARNED: Some times people believe what everyone else tells them. Sometimes when someone tells you that they aren't good enough for you, maybe they aren't. It's ok not to judge people for their pasts, but it's not ok to be oblivious to it either. I believe in change, I do, but I overlooked so many signs because I was trying to believe that if I believed in him enough, I could make it better for him. You control your own thoughts, feelings, actions. No one can make you a better person, you have to do that on your own.